Pancakes For Dinner
by Morphy
Summary: Bella and Alice have a strong connection but with Alice's deteriorating health it seems their time together is limited. What will Bella do to try and save the person she loves? A/B ooc.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Booyah! I'm back baby. Sorry about leaving Flume I am working on new chapters and if anyone is still reading it hopefully they will get an ending anyway onto this story. I've been working on this off and on for the past while its my first non AH story so its been difficult to write but hopefully you all like it. Thanks to ****Beetlebum101 for just general awesomeness and help with all my stories. I hate long author notes so on with the show.**

Pancakes for dinner

I tossed my backpack on the yellowing chair by the bed and felt a small weight almost topple me back; arms latched on around my waist and I felt a sort of warm feeling shoot from my fingertips to my heart.

"I've been so bored! What took you so long?" The tiny girl sang into my ear.

"Sorry, Alice, I had an S.A.T. prep class with Angela," I sighed, not revealing that I would have much rather been here with her.

"How was it?" Alice asked, eyes shining with curiosity at my absolutely boring day.

"Not bad," I replied, as I picked up on the odd sound of jingling metal. I realized Alice was wearing some bracelets that reached halfway up her wrist and clinked as she walked over to the window. She had on nice jeans and a t-shirt; it almost seemed as if she had plans to go somewhere. "You look nice. You going out later?"

"I wish," Alice sighed, flopping back on the bed, her small spikes of hair bouncing as she did. "They won't let me go anywhere after last time."

Ah, last time – when we snuck out. I was the first person to say _no_, thinking it was a bad idea, but she begged me and I just couldn't say no. "You want to go for a walk?" I asked, pointing to the door.

Alice nodded, skipping her way over to me and linking our arms as we walked out of her room and down the corridor. We passed the nurses' station and I gave Sam a wave and motioned to the front door. She nodded in understanding.

The cold air of Forks hit us like a freight train. I was used to it, but I felt Alice shudder. I always found it odd that she loved the outdoors, yet, every time we stepped outside she seemed to slink back, like the weight of the world was going to crush her. We walked around the hospital, talking about nothing of importance. Sometimes I just liked to look at her while she talked. I know I should be paying attention to what she's saying but I get distracted by the way her mouth moves.

"Are you listening to me at all?" Alice waved a hand in my face, so close I almost got cross-eyed.

"Sorry, I spaced for a second." I tried angling my body towards her as we walked to show I was paying attention now.

"It's okay, it doesn't matter. I was just saying it's a lovely night."

"Yeah, it is." I craned my neck to the sky, trying to spot the first star. "First star." I pointed to the sky, Alice's gaze following me, and we recited together the same saying we had since we first met when we were fifteen.

"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight."

I scrunched my eyes closed and wished for more time; more time to be with Alice so I could tell her how I feel; just more time for her to be healthy, although, today seemed liked a good day and I'm glad for that.

"What did you wish for?" I asked as Alice opened her eyes. The baby blue seemed almost grey in the dim light.

"Same thing I always wish for." Alice looked away from me, staring into the tree line.

"And what is that?" I asked, with a slight smile.

"Pancakes for dinner." Alice turned to me with a smile in her eyes and I couldn't help but laugh. It seemed like such a long time since we had just laughed.

"It seems like a simple enough wish." We had circled the hospital and headed back inside. "Why don't you go back to your room and I'll see if I can score some pancakes?"

We parted ways silently heading in different directions. I reached the cafeteria, picking up a tray and sliding it along the metal bars until I reached the stuff that sort of looked like food. _Note to self: bring own pancakes next time_. I got the pancakes and some single servings of maple syrup. Everything in hospitals seemed to be single servings, like it was more sanitary that way, with their little packs of ketchup. When I got back to Alice's room she was sitting crossed legged on the bed and I put down the tray on the stand that wheeled over the bed. I took a seat and watched as Alice seemed to flip the pancake over, examining both sides like she couldn't decide which looked better.

"You know you can't eat both sides just pick one," I said, with a chuckle.

"Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do," Alice replied in a short tone.

I had to say, I knew Mary-Alice Brandon pretty well. We had been friends for three years and we saw each other almost every day. She is my best friend, my family and I'm crazy in love with her. She seems to know everything but the last part. I have a feeling she knows, but she won't do anything about it because I don't think she wants me to get too close because of her condition. I don't know what it is exactly; it seemed like a lot of big words that boiled down to, 'you may not make it to your nineteenth birthday.'

I didn't know all this when I first met Alice, but if I could go back to that fateful day when I tripped on an ice patch and cut my hand and ended up in hospital, I would do it all over again. I would fall hard and get my dad to rush me to that hospital, because when I met that spiky haired devil, I fell even harder than I ever thought I could. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had just come to live with Charlie – hadn't even been here two days – and _bam!_ I land myself in hospital; no surprise there. When I was in the exam room, a girl pulled open the curtain that divided us and tilted her head, her icy blue eyes cutting me up and down as she asked, "What did you do to your hand?"

"I didn't do much; it was mostly the ground and the ice. It was a double team, I hardly stood a chance." I shrugged my shoulders as she giggled and I got a tingly feeling in my chest, but waved it off as painkillers.

"Just eat your dinner," I scolded, bringing myself back to the present, as Alice ate her breakfast for dinner.

After Alice ate we watched some lifetime movie I can't remember. I didn't really pay attention because I was sitting on Alice's bed, focusing on her head resting in the crook of my arm, while she watched on. I spent most of my time trying to control my heart rate.

"You know, I always wondered what my family would be like if they existed," Alice sighed.

I hated when she got herself down like this. It wasn't like her, but she seemed to be doing it more and more.

"Like, you have Charlie's eyes and the same coloured hair and quiet disposition, but I have no idea if I get my eye colour from my mom or my dad." Alice's eyes looked glazed, almost far away as she spoke.

Alice didn't have any family and it amazed me that someone could have given her up. With her condition, people weren't exactly jumping up and down to adopt her, so her life has been a mix of social workers and doctors. It's moments like this when I see how grateful I should really be.

"Your eye colour is simply you. I've been on this planet eighteen years and haven't seen another like it. You get your hair colour from being a chimney sweep in a previous life and you get your great sense of humour from me," I said kissing the top of her head, as I felt laughter rake through her body.

"Okay, I may have to agree with you there."

"See, I'm never wrong." I smiled down at her and she looked at me with incredulity swimming in her eyes.

"What about that time–"

"Shhhh, you need your rest," I cut in quickly, as I pulled myself away from her. It was hard but it's a difficulty I have sadly become used to. I leaned over, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as I made for the exit.

It was weird leaving this place. I used to hate it, but now I don't feel right unless I'm here.

Xxx

"Alice, can we please do something else? _Anything_," I begged, as I pulled the sheet of used paper from my book bag.

"No, this is my bucket list. I want it written." She pointed at me to sit. If she didn't have me wrapped around that dainty finger of hers I would never do it.

I hated writing down all the things she would never have the chance to do. It just felt like torture to me. I mean, she's not going to get married or see the Great Wall of China or witness the Northern Lights. It was amazing enough that she wasn't always connected up to a damn machine.

"No. No, I won't do it; it's too hard. I don't understand why you need me to do it." I tossed the pen and paper on the seat, refusing to sit. Alice didn't have the energy to get out of bed today but it didn't mean I wanted to sit around and think about this.

Alice's eyes fluttered closed as she spoke. "Because when I'm gone I want you to do these things for me. You can live life enough for the both of us."

I moved to sit on the edge of the bed. It was so hard to even pretend to be mad at her. I exhaled all my pent up frustration, crossing my arms over my chest as she sat up, leaning her head on my shoulder. It looked like she was fighting to stay awake.

"What if I don't want to?" I huffed, like an indignant child.

"Then that's too bad 'cause if you don't, I'm gonna haunt the crap out of you." Alice smiled, and I tried not to, but it was kind of funny.

"Fine." I picked up the pen and paper.

Alice lay back in bed and spoke softly, almost in a whisper, "I want to go to college."

I smiled at that. I always knew she liked to learn. "What college?' I asked, needing details.

"Hmmm," She pondered aloud. "What college do you want to go to?" She asked me.

"Um… I'm applying to Seattle, Columbia and Dartmouth."

"And what's your favourite?"

"Dartmouth, I guess," I said, without really thinking. "It's not like I even have a chance but it's my first choice."

"Then I want to go to Dartmouth." Alice sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"What else?" I asked quickly, so she could get some sleep.

"I want to go to England and meet the queen," she said and I jotted it down as number thirty-seven.

"Wow, not making this easy on me, eh?" I laughed, reading over the old points.

"Well, what's on your list?" Alice asked me. I honestly hadn't thought about it.

I guess that's where we differ. Alice has to think about these things and I have the luxury of time. Well, at least I hope I do. I took a moment, placing the paper back down. I looked into the florescent lights, trying to think of one thing I want to do before I die. I moved my gaze to Alice. She had turned on her side, facing away from me. It was still pretty early to sleep but I lay down beside her, curling my legs under hers. The bed was hardly big enough but because Alice was so tiny, it seemed to work. I placed my arm lightly on her side, careful not to wake her.

"This seems pretty good to me," I muttered into the short spikes at the back of her head.

I felt a pull on my arm as Alice instinctively held my arm against her chest, cuddling into it.

Xxx

I took a match, striking it against the side of the box and watching the sparks, trying to see the exact moment it turned into a flame. I held the match in my fingers, turning it and letting the flame get closer and closer to my fingertips. It seemed like an odd thing to do sitting outside a hospital but I tried not to dwell on it. Alice was with one of the doctors so I wasn't allowed in yet. The smell of the hospital started to bug me so I thought I'd wait outside. I scanned all the old cars. None of them even worth looking at twice but my truck did stand out, being one of the biggest pieces of crap here. I loved it, though; everything from the flaky paint job to the radio that only gets one station. I wonder what the doctor is saying to Alice; I wish they could tell me something.

"Ouch," I hissed, as the flame hit the tips of my fingers and I dropped the match to the concrete.

"That's what happens when you play with fire," a singsong voice said behind me, and I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. "You get burned."

"I forgot I was still holding it," I said, rubbing my fingers together.

Alice took a seat beside me on the steps, her leg lining up with mine so they were touching all the way to the knee.

"What has you thinking so hard?" Alice stared outwards past the cars into the surrounding woodland area.

"I was just thinking about you," I smiled and Alice bumped my shoulder playfully. "I was wondering what the doctor was telling you."

Alice didn't answer right away. She took a few deep breaths, gulping the air back like water on a hot sunny day. She squinted and I knew that meant she was thinking about something so I stayed silent, watching the details of her face shift slightly.

"Would you run away with me?" Alice spoke calmly. "I would do it but I don't want to go alone."

I let her words seep into my brain. I sat silent as images flashed in my head of us on the road, in the cab of my truck, laughing and singing along with the radio; it was like nothing could touch us. It was a fun idea; we could eat at diners and have pancakes for dinner every day and maybe do some of the stuff on her list. I smiled at the thought, but then reality hit: Alice would get sick. It's been getting worse lately; we wouldn't get by two days. Alice's hand slipped into mine and she gave it a small squeeze.

"I think it's the best idea I've heard all day, when do we leave?" I said with a joking laugh. I couldn't say no. How could I let my best friend down?

"I'm not joking, Bells." She spoke calmly. The tone in her voice sent a chill up my spine and I knew she was being serious.

"You can't be serious, we wouldn't last two days. What did the doctor say to you?" I held onto her hand, looking into her tired eyes as I spoke. She was starting to scare me.

"Yeah, but two days out in the world where anything could happen sounds a lot better than just fading away in this place."

"You're not fading away; I'm not going to let that happen." I could see tears hiding in her eyes.

"I'm sorry to say this, but that isn't your decision to make, no matter how much I wish it was." As she spoke I leaned my head on her shoulder, lightly brushing my cheek against the soft fabric. "I can't tell you how great you are, Bella, and I can't thank you enough for being my friend."

I closed my eyes, willing her to stop talking, but it just pushed the tears from my eyes. They ran down my face and I didn't wipe them away.

"I like to hope sometimes that we might meet again in another life, and hopefully under different circumstances."

I'm not going to let her die. It's not going to happen. I need her too much. I'd sell my soul if I had to; hell, I'd sell it twice. "How long do we have?" I asked her, the shaky nature of my voice betraying me.

"It's better for you if you don't know." Alice said, as I lifted my head and she moved to stand.

I had heard those words before but I couldn't pinpoint where. The words disturbed me for some reason, like there were bells going off in my head. I followed her silently back to her room, letting the warmth heat me as I took off my jacket. Alice moved to get into her bed and she looked so thin and shaky I moved quickly to help her. She settled herself under the sheets and I took the seat next to the bed.

"Do you remember when we used to have sleep overs at your house and we stayed up all night to watch that film and it was really horrible?" Alice leaned back, putting her hands behind her head. "What was that film again?"

"I think it was _The Blair Witch Project_. We could do that again, you know. Without the Blair Witch part, of course. I could ask Sam?"

Alice sighed, not looking at me. "I don't think they will let me this time."

"I could sneak you out again," I smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, 'cause that worked out so well the last time." Alice laughed, but it didn't seem like a real laugh; it seemed forced. "Do you think we were meant to meet, or do you think it was just chance?"

I suppressed a laugh, thinking of the beginning of our friendship. Yes, the first time we met was an accident and, while I am accident-prone, I seemed to almost try to land myself in here sometimes. "Well, I think I had something to do with it."

"Yeah, I can't believe you were stupid enough to try and get yourself into hospital." Alice glared at me, but it wasn't very convincing.

"I just wanted to see you again." People have done stupider things for love.

"Yeah, three months of cuts and bruises and one concussion, when you could have just said _hi_," Alice looked me up and down, disapprovingly.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," I reasoned. Plus, I learned how to ride that bike in the end. "And it worked, you can't argue with results." I smiled, causing her to murmur something I couldn't quite hear.

Xxx

I took a bite of my toast and the silence of Sunday breakfast with Charlie was broken when he grumbled disapprovingly at some story in the paper.

"More people going missing in Seattle. See, that's why I like living in a small town. You couldn't pay me to live there."

"Why do you read it if it upsets you so much?" I questioned.

"I like to keep informed." He put down the paper, scratching his sideburn as he began to speak. "So, what are your plans for today?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Probably just hang out with Alice, do some studying," I shrugged.

"Bells, I don't want you to take this the wrong way." He cleared his throat, looking at the table and catching my attention. "I love Alice and I know you guys are close, but I'm just worried about what's going to happen when–"

"Don't finish that sentence," I cut in. "Nothing's going to happen, okay!" I got up from my chair, grabbing my jacket and making a quick exit.

I hopped into my truck, digging in my pockets for the keys. I took them with a shaky hand and tried to slip it into the ignition but dropped them instead. I rested my head against the steering wheel. The words that Alice had said last night haunted my thoughts. _"It's better for you if you don't know."_ I knew I had heard those words before, but where? I cursed my bad memory. I blindly searched for my keys on the floor, desperately trying not to think too much about what Charlie had just said.

I made my way to the hospital; the small journey I could probably drive in my sleep now. The automatic doors whooshed open and the smell of disinfectant and something else I couldn't identify hit me, but it was oddly reassuring. I passed the empty nurses' desk and made my way to Alice's room. The door was closed and I opened it without knocking.

"Oh, sorry," I muttered, moving my eyes to the floor, as a nurse seemed to give Alice some sort of injection. I quickly stepped backwards out the room and leaned against the wall. The nurse left the room and passed me without a glimpse.

"You can come in now!" Alice yelled from inside her room.

"Sorry about that," I said, staring at the ground still. I guess I was early. I moved to the other side of the room, putting my book bag on the floor. I looked up to see Alice had a little cotton bud taped to her arm and one to the top of her hand. "Doesn't that hurt?" I asked without thinking.

"Not really, you kind of get used to it after a while," Alice said, sitting up cross-legged on the bed.

I couldn't imagine getting used to such a thing.

"So, what do you want to do today? I could kick your butt in a game of scrabble." I raised my eyebrows, setting up the challenge.

"Okay, first of all, I let you win. Second, I'm not really feeling like scrabble today."

I wish I could take her out and do something fun. It was an oddly sunny day today. I looked out the window and the sky was a clear blue and the trees were a light green – a clear sign of early spring.

"What homework do you have?" Alice asked, as I continued to stare out the window.

Homework… not even I cared about homework, and it was mine. "I have a better idea, get dressed," I demanded, before leaving the room.

It was an unwritten rule that nurses were the gatekeepers of the hospital. They knew everything about everyone and were all in each other's business. Alice watches them like they're on daytime TV or something. But most importantly, if you wanted out for a few hours they could make you disappear, saying you were at a test or sleeping and shouldn't be disturbed, not that a lot of people were checking up on us.

"Hey, Sam," I shouted to Samantha, giving her a small wave. We had become, well, not exactly friends, but she was nice and friendly, unlike some of the others.

"What do you want now, Bella?" Sam huffed, ticking some forms, a wisp of her brunette hair falling in front of her eyes.

"Come on, can't a girl just say _hi_ to a friend anymore?" I tried to act innocent.

She looked up at me, her brown eyes piercing my own and she gave me that look that said _"Yeah, right. Just hurry up and ask."_

"Okay, fine. Gosh, stop looking at me like that. I want to take Alice out for a few hours… three, tops." I tried to pass it off as no big deal.

"Sorry, Bella, that's just not possible. It's too risky," she said, without really looking at me.

"Please," I begged, putting my hands together. "She's been so down lately; I just want to cheer her up a little. We'll be back before you know it."

"I can't. Maybe if you ask one of the doctors."

"Come on, what do doctors know?" I smiled and Sam laughed. I could tell she was beginning to bend to the idea. I looked into her eyes, trying to show her how I needed this. "Please… _please_." My voice got quiet and she seemed to think over the idea.

"Okay, three hours and not a second more or I will call your father. And if she feels dizzy, lightheaded or even coughs, you bring her back here immediately, do you hear me?" Sam pointed her finger, as I suppressed the urge to jump up and down.

"You have my word," I saluted her. "Thanks, Sam, you're a saint." I waved as I walked backwards to the room and I could see the sly smile creep on Sam's face as I left. I rushed back to Alice, almost tripping on my own feet as I reached the doorframe. "Who's the most awesome person you know?" I asked as I entered the room.

Alice turned to me and I looked her up and down. She had changed from pyjamas into jeans and a blouse. I was always amazed at how she always seemed to look effortlessly beautiful.

"Hmm, I don't know?"

"Well you do now; it's me. I just got us a day pass, but it's got a limited time only sort of deal so we got to go now." I grabbed Alice's hand and she picked her coat up before we left.

We reached my truck and I mentally cursed not having a faster, more reliable car. I opened the door and helped Alice inside then jogged to the driver's side. The truck started with a loud grumble, as the vibrations shot through the cab and the radio turned itself on.

"So, where do you want to go?" I asked, checking the time.

"Uh…" Alice shrugged and her eyes moved everywhere, like she'd find the answer written somewhere in my truck. "I don't know. Now that I'm out, my mind has gone blank."

I pulled out of the parking lot, heading in no particular direction. We couldn't go to Seattle, it was too far. Port Angeles maybe, but by the time we got there we'd have to come back. It's such a nice day we should try and stay outside… I got it. "I know where we should go." It was only a fifteen-minute drive and was perfect.

"Where?" Alice asked, curiously.

"The beach," I said, like it was the best idea I'd ever had. I tapped my hands against the steering wheel as I drove. The beat from the music was infectious and I bit my lip to keep from singing the words out loud. Alice didn't seem to have that problem; she never shies away from anything like that and she had a great singing voice. I watched Alice from the corner of my eye as she stared at the blur of trees we passed.

There were a few cars I recognised as I parked in the small lot next to the beach. I wondered if Jake was here as we headed toward the sand. I would like for Jake to meet Alice; I think they'd make good friends. They both seem to have this inner happiness that just makes you want to be around them. I took a seat in the sand, as Alice kicked of her shoes next to me and walked around in the sand. The sun glistened off the water and the tips of the waves turned a snowy white as they hit the shore. I would take the smell of the ocean over the smell of hospitals any day of the week.

This is one thing I did love about Forks – being close to the ocean; it was relaxing. Living in Phoenix, I seemed to almost suffocate in the heat. It's funny that in Forks a sunny day is special; it makes you feel like you should cherish it. But in phoenix no one seems to bother because sunny days are a dime a dozen. I squinted against the sun, feeling it heat my pale skin. I put my hand up to my forehead, trying to block the light. Alice seemed to throwing rocks into the ocean and huffing once they landed with a small splash. She picked up another and pulled back her arm, swinging it forward and again the rock landed with an unenthusiastic splash.

"What are you trying to do?" I yelled, trying to grab her attention.

"I'm trying to make a radio out of coconut shells and seaweed. What does it look like? I'm trying to skip rocks, but they're all defective!" Alice shouted and I fell back as a chuckle raked through my body.

I pushed myself up, wiping the sand form my jeans as I did. I scanned the sand for a good-sized, flat rock. I found a few good ones and shoved them in my pockets as I reached the water's edge. Charlie and I used to do this all the time when I was younger, though I'm not as good as he is at it.

"You need a really flat rock, see." I showed her the one in my hand, spinning it in my fingers. "You need to hold it between your thumb and pointer finger." I held the rock in-between my fingers, slowly pulled my arm back and quickly flicked it forward, releasing the small black rock as it bounced three times over the water, before disappearing silently.

"That's not fair, it works for you." Alice pouted and I had to refrain from laughing.

"Here." I took one of the rocks from my pocket, handing it to her. "Now, remember what I said." she held the rock between her fingers and I moved to stand behind her. I placed one hand on her waist and tried to ignore the dull tingle that shot up my arm. I moved her feet with mine to line them up and I took my other hand, mirroring her grip on the stone. "You need to bring your arm all the way back." I slowly pulled her arm back. I was so close to her ear I could almost see my breath part the strands of her hair as I spoke. "Then, quickly whip it forward and just let go." In the blink of an eye, she whipped the rock across the water and it skimmed the surface four times before it returned to the ocean.

Alice bounced up and down with excitement. As she turned to face me, her smile lit up her eyes and the blue seemed to cut right through me. She hugged me close, putting her arms around my neck and pulling me into her.

"I did it, I did it. Thank you," Alice spoke, with glee.

"No problem," I murmured into her shoulder, smelling her skin as I did. It was a smell I couldn't quite describe, almost like sunshine and rain mixed together.

We made our way down the beach and I watched as Alice danced against the water's edge. She would make a great dancer if she had the time, I thought, solemnly. The waves crashed in and she bounced back, keeping her feet from the water but sinking into the wet sand. I looked down the beach and I could almost make out some shapes of people. As I peered down the beach, I felt some water hit me in the face and instantly looked in the direction the water had come from. Alice stood close to the water, hands behind her back, eyes rolled to the sky. I can't believe she kicked water at me.

"Did you just kick water at me?" I asked, tasting traces of saltwater on my lips.

"Nope," Alice replied innocently, jutting out her lower lip. Then she did it again, but only a few drops hit me.

I dramatically wiped the water from my face. That was it; game on. I sat on the sand, quickly unlacing my sneakers and rolling up the bottoms of my jeans. I walked with an unabashed determination and as I got closer, the sand seemed to slip, pulling my feet into it with each step I took. Alice seemed stunned for a moment before she got the idea to run and I chased after her along the water's edge. The cold water felt refreshing as it came up to my ankles. It was still cold but the cold seemed to shoot a buzz of energy into my body. As I got closer, I kicked the water at her so it barely hit her in the legs. I didn't want her to get soaked or catch a cold. That would be really bad. Alice turned as the cold water hit her.

"Truce!" She called, short of breath.

I leaned over, bracing my hands on my kneecaps and inhaling the salty air. "Truce," I gasped, raising one hand. "When did we get so old?" I asked Alice as we continued down the beach.

"Hey, you're only as old as you feel, and I feel like ice-cream," Alice giggled, her eyes getting that faraway look.

"Is food all you ever think about? Let me guess," I put my hand to my forehead, taking a moment for a psychic reading. "You are thinking about Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough."

Alice made the sound of a buzzer, indicating I was wrong. "Close, but no. I'm in more of an Oatmeal Cookie Chunk kind of mood. You kind of suck at being a psychic."

"Ha! Like you're any better," I laughed.

"Hey, Bella!" A male voice shouted and I turned from Alice to see the waving form of Mike Newton. I noticed a few other people as well. I waved back when I noticed Angela, Ben, Eric and Jessica.

They seemed to be sitting round a fire pit but had no fire going – just some shabby looking driftwood was piled in the middle. They had a radio blaring and Jessica seemed to pull Mike back down to sit beside her. I took a seat around the fire and Alice stayed close to my side. She had met Angela a few times but the rest were new to her. I sat next to Angela who had Ben on her other side.

"Bella, I didn't know you were going to the beach today; we would have waited for you guys," Angela said, always nervous about making someone feel left out.

"That's fine, Ang, it wasn't planned. We just thought it was such a nice day," I spoke, as I watched some of the guys stare at Alice. They were the same when I got here, like they'd never seen a girl before. "Hey, guys, this is Alice. Alice, this is Ben, Eric, Mike and Jessica and you know Angela."

They all knew of Alice but didn't really know her and it made for an awkward silence. The wind started to pick up and there was a chill in the air.

"Hey, have you ever seen a driftwood fire?" I whispered to Alice, as everyone continued on with his or her own conversations. She just shook her head, no.

I took some of my trusty matches to the dry piece of wood. The flame was small at first but then quickly started to spread. I took my seat next to Alice and we watched the flame engulf the driftwood. The flame turned a green/blue colour as it absorbed the salt ingrained into the wood. I had seen this before but I found it fun to watch Alice's face as she watched it for the first time. Her blue eyes went wide with a sort of childlike wonder. I watched the time, and it seemed to be dwindling down so quickly.

"Do you guys want to come with us to the diner?" Ben asked us as the others nodded. "I don't know about you guys, but a chocolate milkshake is calling my name." Ben rubbed his stomach as he spoke.

I looked to Alice and she smiled but I knew we didn't have time and I promised Sam I would be back. "Sorry guys, we have to be getting back." There was a grumble of acceptance as we all got up. The guys went forward while Alice, Angela and I stayed to put out the fire.

We walked behind the rest of the group and I spoke to Angela about one of our English assignments. It kept catching my eye that Mike and the other guys kept glancing back at us every few seconds.

"Why are they staring at us?" I whispered to Angela, trying not to alert Alice. I didn't want the guys to make her feel awkward; they seemed fine five minutes ago.

Angela was, I guess, my best friend after Alice. She was quiet but very smart and intuitive. "They're just surprised."

"Why?" I asked, confused. I had no idea how Alice had surprised them. I mean, just by being normal.

"They've known you for, what, three years now and you've smiled more in the last twenty minutes than you have all year. They're not used to seeing you happy." Angela spoke calmly, as I did a double take of her words.

"What? I'm happy all the time. I smile an average amount for a person my age." I almost whispered yelled, but tried to keep our conversation normal. I glanced at Alice but she was in her own world, kicking a rock along the sand.

"I'm not trying to upset you, Bella, so I really hope you don't take this the wrong way. Sometimes when you're at school you're there, but you're not there. I just thought you were quiet but then when I see you with Alice, it's like you're a completely different person." Angela seemed almost nervous to tell me this as she glanced at me every few seconds, then focused back on her feet.

"It's okay, Ang, really. I think I get what you're saying. I just never really noticed before. Is it really that obvious?" I shoved my hand in my pocket, realising I still had a rock, when the side of palm scratched against it.

"I think it's cute the way you glance at each other to make sure your still there." Angela laughed, as I glanced at Alice. I didn't even realise I did it until I turned my head back to Angela. "I was just like that with Ben."

I felt it odd that she had just compared my crush with her one year relationship because I had never mentioned any of my feelings to anyone. Hell, even I didn't really know what I was feeling; how could I explain it to someone else? "Yeah, and now you're all old news and the romance is dead… such a shame, really." I tried to keep a straight face as Angela hit me in the arm, but it was more of a push and I stumbled slightly.

"So, does she know?" Angela raised an eyebrow, keeping her voice low.

I wasn't sure what she was getting at. "Know what?"

"That you like her, duh."

"Ang… first of all, never say _duh_ again in my presence, second, of course she knows. I wouldn't hang out with someone I don't like all the time."

"I mean _like_ like." Angela moved her hands in a rolling motion.

Who says _like_ like anymore? Angela really needs some new phrases. "Yeah, Ang, I asked her to go steady then we went for a malt." I rolled my eyes, now taking her question serious "I can't, it's too complicated." I stared at my shoes as I spoke.

"You know, Alice is a better woman than I for putting up with all your sarcasm. I would have just given up on you after a week."

"Words hurt you know." I tried my best to look offended as Angela placed her arm over my shoulder as we walked. The contact was friendly and more comforting than I thought it would be.

"Hey, what are you guys whispering about?" Alice jogged up to us, her breathing slightly laboured.

Angela retracted her arm quickly, as I tried to think of something believable… uh… believable… what do normal people my age talk about? I met Alice's eyes, as the words just seemed to appear. "Uh… you know just another test, another college application… graduation stuff. Lots to do." Wow, that may have actually been believable.

"Fine, don't tell me." Alice huffed, as she walked past Angela and I to my truck.

"We have to get together some time for a study session. Have you finished your graduation invites?"

"Sure, that's sounds good. Um, yeah. All four of them."

Angela huffed. "Really? I still have, like, fifty to finish."

"Well, if you need some help give me a call," I offered as I headed for my truck, giving the other guys a wave goodbye.

I settled myself in my truck and I noticed Alice had her head propped up in her hand, her elbow against the bottom of the window. She let out a long sigh and I knew something was up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, today's been great. Better than great."

"Please, just tell me what you're thinking." I needed to know what was going on inside that brain of hers.

"I feel kind of dizzy," Alice said, like it was no big deal.

"Shit." I didn't swear a lot, but I just seemed like an _oh, shit_ moment. I started my truck, throwing it into first and taking off into the streets. "How long have you been feeling dizzy? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's fine, I didn't want to ruin a perfectly nice day by being me." Alice faced forward, bracing her hands on the dash.

"Alice, you are who you are. Don't hide something from me just in case you think I might not like it; I like all of you. Even the parts you hate, I like." I smiled, thinking about her addiction to daytime dramas and how small she is compared to everyone else our age.

There was a silence as I pushed the rusted heap to its limits. I bit my lip, thinking over everything I had just said. I shouldn't have said _like_ so many times. Stupid Angela, filling my head. I really wanted her to say something, anything, but she wouldn't even look at me. It's not like my dashboard is that interesting. It doesn't have the Da Vinci code written on it. I parked the truck, hopping out and helping Alice at her side.

"I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm feeling a lot better now." Alice spoke, pushing on my shoulder, trying to create some space, but I kept close. We passed two corridors then the nurse's station before we got to her room. She took a seat on the bed, taking heavy breaths as she stared at the ugly beige flooring.

"Do you want me to get someone?" I asked, standing uselessly by the door.

"No, just go, I'll be fine."

Yeah, right, like I'm going anywhere. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Bella, go home, okay?"

"No," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.

Alice pressed the call button next to her bed and I gave a silent thank you, since she was finally being somewhat sensible. The nurse brushed past me. She was a heavyset woman with short, cropped hair. Her white sneakers squeaked as she shuffled forward. There was a hushed conversation as the nurse looked at me and came towards me. She seemed to overshadow me completely and I looked up to meet her eyes.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave, the patient needs her rest," the nurse spoke down to me.

I craned my neck around the hulking figure as much as I could. "Alice, come on." I almost fell backward from the room as she closed the door, shutting her in the room.

If she needed privacy I would understand, but she wanted me to go home. She didn't want to see me; she made that much obvious. What was I supposed to do now? I dragged my feet towards the exit and heard the sound of muffled cursing. Sam was trying to shake a candy bar out of a vending machine.

"You know, it works better if you put money in."

"I did but this stupid machine hates me. Do you have any quarters?" Sam asked, as she stopped assaulting the machine.

I searched my pockets pulling out some loose change, putting it in Sam's outstretched hand. She examined the machine and I took this time to ask a question that had been playing on my mind. "Sam, can you tell me what's been up with Alice lately? I know she's been getting worse and she got dizzy and now she practically had me thrown out of her room."

Sam looked at me quizzically. "Thrown out? Really?" I nodded as she faced the machine, "Doesn't Alice tell you anything?"

"She said it's better if I don't know." I scoffed.

"Well, maybe you should respect her wishes," Sam said, all holier than thou.

"I know I shouldn't be the one complaining in this situation, but it's hard on me too." I leaned my arm against the wall as a cushion for my head. All I could see was the white of the wall. "I don't know what I'm going to do." I spoke to the wall and my legs started to shake. "I keep wishing and praying that everything's going to be alright but it's not, is it? She's going to die and I'm going… to be stuck here." I finally said it out loud. I sniffed back instinctively and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I felt a hand on my back rubbing soothing circles, and I could tell by the ugly white shoes that it was Sam.

"Alice is a strong girl, but we all have our time." Sam's voice was calm and unwavering.

It shouldn't be her time; she's too young. There are too many things she hasn't had the chance to do. I wiped my eyes with the length of my sleeve, the harsh fabric scratching the soft skin and just making my eyes even redder. I whispered a thank you to Sam and left the hospital with my head down, hoping not to catch any looks.

I sat in my truck as it idled. I had hours and days and months with nowhere to go. I just drove; I drove past La Push, into Port Angeles, then Seattle. I parked the car in a street next to some old bookshop. It was early evening and some of the stores were starting to close. I looked in the windows of passing stores, not really looking for anything. I passed a toyshop that had some bears in the window and I was instantly reminded of Alice and her love of bears; she's the only person I know who still has one. Well, she has three, but still I would think it was weird if it wasn't Alice. The bears were all brown and had these orange eyes that kind of reminded me of someone, but I couldn't think who.

I entered the store, casually letting my eyes roam as the boy behind the counter stared on. I went to the stuffed animal section, picking up a giraffe but promptly put it back. Dammit, I left my book bag at the damn hospital. I would need it for school tomorrow. Maybe I should get Alice something. I mean, I don't know what I did but it couldn't hurt to show up with a gift, right? The orange eyed bears were beginning to creep me out but then I saw a pile of white fur. I picked one of the polar bears up examining that it was in fact a stuffed bear. The eyes were a cool blue – like ice. Almost the same as Alice's. I took the bear up to the counter and the bored looking boy rang it up.

"Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?" He asked, handing me the bag.

I rolled my eyes, not bothering to give him an answer. I got back to my truck tossing the bear inside and making my way back to Forks. I pushed the truck faster on the way back but it still took me a while to make it home. Charlie was already home before I got there.

"Hey, Bells, I ordered a pizza. It's not cold yet if you want some." Charlie yelled from the couch.

I tore off a slice of pizza and then sat beside Charlie. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I saw food.

"Remember to chew," Charlie smirked, as I wolfed it down. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged my shoulders, hoping that would suffice. He would usually just take it as an okay. He leaned forward in his chair looking back at me as he reached for his beer. He didn't say anything else as his attention was taken up by the television.

"Uh… I left my book bag at the hospital, I'll have to go and pick it up. There's some stuff I need for tomorrow." I got up from the couch, stumbling around until I had made it to the door.

Charlie turned to watch me leave and yelled, "Don't be too long, you have school tomorrow."

"Got it," I yelled back, slamming the front door behind me.

I felt nervous as I walked through the dull white halls of the hospital. People were everywhere but no one looked at me twice. I held the bear by the paw like I was helping a small child across the street. I reached her door: the number two hundred and four was on a plastic plaque beside the door. I paused, wondering if I should just walk in or knock. Walk… knock… walk… knock… I raised my hand, knocking softly, then moved my hand to the handle, pushing it open. I stuck the bear in first, hoping to buy myself a few more seconds before I walked in, and there she was, sitting on the bed, her hair in total disarray but she could make it work. It was odd how nervous I was but now that I was here and I could see her, I actually felt more relaxed. It's almost as if when I'm away from her I have these withdrawal symptoms, like she's a drug to me.

I swallowed hard. "Uh… I left my bag." Wow, genius. Thirteen years of education and that's the best I got. I shuffled into the room and the door fell closed behind me.

Alice just sat still looking at me, her face giving away nothing. I noticed she had wires running up her arm, connected to some machine by her bed that was giving off a slow steady beat.

"What's that?" Alice asked, nodding at the polar bear.

I wanted to reply with my normal sarcasm, saying it was some sort of growth I'm having checked out, but I shouldn't. I need to be real in the time we have left. "I was in Seattle and I saw it in a window and it made me think of you." I looked into the plastic blue eyes of the bear then to Alice. They had nothing on Alice. I put the teddy on her bed as I walked round to pick up my book bag. The silence was killing me. I felt like she hadn't spoken to me in years and it had only been two minutes.

"Did I do or say something to upset you?" I asked, ignoring my bag and turning to face Alice.

She had the bear on her lap and she picked at the fur on the top of its head. If I had done something to deserve this silence, I at least deserved to know what it was.

"You haven't done anything, it's me. It's always me." Alice sighed, squeezing the bear closer to her chest.

This is the first time I've actually heard the whole, '_it's not you, it's me' _thing and I have to say, it sucks and makes no sense.

"How? How is it you?" I threw my arms up, trying to understand this whole fucked up situation. I don't even know how it started.

"I got jealous, okay? Jealous of you, of your friends." Her voice turned to a whisper. "Of Angela." Alice raised her head, looking at me for some sort of understanding, but I didn't understand.

I just shook my head, looking at the floor. I still didn't understand why she was jealous and got mad at me. Alice moved to the edge of the bed, placing her bare feet on the floor as she leaned her back against the bed for support. "I… I… don't understand."

"There are so many things I'm not going to be able to do. I mean, I haven't even had a first kiss. When I saw you and Angela together and the way she touched you, it just made me realize I'm not going to have the time." Alice moved her hand, softly placing it on the side of my face, her fingertips brushing my hair as her palm cupped my hot cheek. "The time to make you feel all the love you make me feel. I'm sick of trying to stay away from you and I know it's selfish, but I've tried and I don't have the strength anymore."

I couldn't listen to her talk anymore. I leaned in, stealing a kiss from her, doing the thing I had thought about, even dreamt about, but my imagination had nothing on the real thing. Alice ran her palm across my face and into my hair, gripping onto it as my hands found their way to her waist. I let her set the pace and I didn't want to stop, but I had to. I had never hated oxygen so much. My breath was ragged as I pulled back, but just enough to breath. A frantic beeping caught my eye and I chuckled. It's nice to know I have an effect. Alice just ignored me, pulling me back into another kiss, slower this time. I could think this time and enjoyed the feeling of her pressed so tightly against me. I didn't want any more room between us. Alice pulled back, laying her forehead against mine. Her eyes were sparking like the ocean on a sunny day as she smiled. I wanted to say something but couldn't find any words at the moment; my brain had turned to mush.

"I need you to promise me something," Alice said, as we swayed slightly together.

I would promise Alice anything. "What do you need me to promise to do?"

"You need to say it first; you have to promise." Alice's words were desperate and her right hand balled up my shirt, pulling me towards her.

A slight fear crept up my spine, but the warmth in my heart overshadowed it. "Okay… I promise. Now, what is it?"

Alice looked to the ground before she met my eyes. The sparkle was gone and her eyes were cold. "Not to miss me when I'm gone."

I couldn't believe what she just said. She had to know that was impossible. I ignored the impossible demand, thinking about what had just transpired. Alice had the same feelings for me that I had for her. Now what do I do? "Why did you wait all this time to tell me how you felt?"

"I don't know. I thought that I could be happy just being friends. I didn't want you to like me and when I knew that you did, I thought that by staying just friends it might make it easier in the long run."

"But I felt what I felt regardless. I love you, Alice, and as much as I'd like to say I chose it, I think it chose me. I knew you were trying to protect me but I don't need protecting."

"Yes, you do. You're still in denial and now I've made it worse. I was selfish and now it's going to hurt even worse." Alice sighed and I cut her off before she could continue.

I had honestly never met anyone who could make selfish seem like such a beautiful word. "I'm going to miss you, Alice. I miss you right now because I know that when I walk out that door I won't get to see you smile, and I have to rely on my mind to think of you but no matter how much I try, it can't do any justice. I miss you every moment of everyday. When I'm sitting in class, I'm thinking. Are you thinking of me like I'm thinking of you? I can't seem to stop missing you." I smiled, running my hand through her short, spiky locks. "And right now, I miss the feeling of your lips. Can I kiss you again?"

Alice leaned forward capturing my lips with hers. It was soft and short, before she pulled back, running her tongue over her lower lip. "You don't have to ask."

As she kissed me again, all I could think was at least we have one thing we can take off that list.

Xxx

I crossed the parking lot and spotted Angela and Ben sitting inside Mike's van, trying to avoid the rain. I was weirdly aware of my face and the fact that I couldn't stop smiling. It was so bad my jaw was beginning to hurt. I tried to rub my jaw, making it less obvious as I approached my small gathering of friends.

"Bella." Mike rushed up to me before I reached the group.

"Hey, Mike," I said cheerfully. Nothing seemed to be able to ruin my mood, not the rain or Mike's obvious attempts to flirt.

"You're looking nice today. Uh… I wanted to ask if you have a date... for prom yet, 'cause it's soon and I was wondering if you wanted to go… with me," Mike stuttered, and it may have been cute to someone else but I felt nothing.

"Sorry, Mike, prom's not my thing. Dresses… dancing… not really me, sorry. But I'm sure Jessica would love to go with you." I motioned to Jessica as she gave us a friendly wave.

"Yeah. Sure, but if you change your mind…" Mike smiled, pulling back his bright blond hair, seeming embarrassed. "So, see you in class." He left, even though everyone was still sitting in his van.

The bell rang and I made my way to English, taking my seat beside Angela and Tyler.

"Hey, did you finish all the homework questions? I couldn't get the last one. I was going to call but it was late," Angela whispered to me, as the teacher started writing on the board.

I hit my forehead with my palm, a punishment for my stupidity. After everything that happened yesterday, I completely forgot about my homework. Mr. Mason is going to so mad, he may even yell at me. What if I get a detention? I've never had detention before. "I didn't do it, Ang, I forgot." I cringed at the thought, but it's just one homework, it's no big deal.

"Okay, everyone, take out your textbooks and I'll be around in a second to collect your homework," Mr. Mason spoke over the class.

I slowly took out my textbook. What excuse would be good…? Fuck, I blame the Internet for my total lack of imagination. I placed my book and paper and a pen on the table; maybe I could do a few of the questions before he reached our seats. I opened the textbook and sitting on the page with my homework questions was a sheet of lined paper with all the answers in Alice's swirly handwriting. I took a breath falling back on my chair '_thank you,_ _Alice_' I spoke only in my mind.

"I thought you said you forgot?" Angela asked, leaning her body over to my side of the desk, reading over my answers.

"I did. I left my bag at the hospital." _Then I got… distracted._ "And by the time I got home, I was so exhausted I completely forgot about it."

"Well, looks like someone's lucky, huh? I wish I had a secret homework fairy," Angela joked, as Mr Mason came by to pick up our work sheets.

Maybe I did have some luck after all. I laughed under my breath as we began working.

School passed in a blur and I was all too happy to get out, as I hopped in my truck like Fred Flintstone getting off work. I pulled up to the house and Charlie's cruiser was already there which was odd because he usually wouldn't be home for another hour. I entered the house looking for Charlie. "Dad!" I yelled into the empty living room.

"Hey, Bells, about time you got home." Charlie rushed in, holding two large envelopes. "These came this morning."

Charlie passed over the envelopes and one was from Dartmouth. I dropped the other and tore into the top of the envelope. Charlie seemed to be holding his breath as I dug into the paper. I pulled out the form and it almost ripped at the force. I read the first few lines: _we_ _are glad to inform you of your successful application_. I didn't need to read the rest; I threw the letter in the air and hugged Charlie.

"I got in!" I couldn't believe it. I had to tell Alice.

"Congratulations Kiddo!" Charlie gave me an awkward squeeze. "You should call your mom."

"Yeah, I'll do that," I said automatically as I picked up the letter, quickly reading over the rest. I knew where I wanted to go but I picked up the other envelope anyway. It was to the University of Juno. Isn't that in Alaska? I read over the name quickly and sighed. It wasn't even mine it was the neighbour's.

"Dad, this isn't mine, it's for Alec next door."

"Is it? I didn't even notice," Charlie said, as he returned with a beer in hand.

"Well, I better take this over to him," I said. If someone else got mine I wouldn't want them to wait to bring it to me.

I walked across the street and I waved to Alec's brother, Tom, who was playing in the yard. I knocked on the door and Alec answered, slightly out of breath. "Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Alec, we got your mail again and I think this is an important one." I handed him the envelope.

Alec's eyes scanned the envelope and went wide as he read over the name, I suspect. I hope he gets in; it would be horrible to get a rejection. "I hope you get in," I added. As I was about to walk away Alec spoke.

"Are you applying to Juno? It's a pretty good school."

"No, I just got accepted to Dartmouth." I smiled. And, okay, I was maybe bragging a little. "I lived in Alaska for about four months with Charlie a few years back. It's beautiful, but not my kind of town. It's even colder than here, if that's possible."

Alec laughed as I shivered at the thought. "Okay, Bella, see you tomorrow." He closed the door as I turned, walking back across the street.

I never thought about Alaska much, but that town we were in was kind of like Forks. I thought about the town and the small diner and the snow… and then it hit me:

Kate.

Her golden eyes and her voice – the voice that was high and perfect as it repeated itself over and over in my head, _"It's better for you if you don't know."_

I had met Kate Denali twice in my life. The first time was when I was almost thirteen. Charlie had taken a job in Alaska and I stayed with him for the summer because my mom had gone to some hippy music festival. There were only a handful of kids that all hung out, despite the age differences. Kate was seventeen at the time and no one seemed to speak to her. Kids joked that her family were witches, and maybe they were, but I felt sorry for her. She just wanted a friend. We got to know each other and hung out, but only at my house, never at hers. Kate seemed normal. She was cold, but it was always cold there. She was never hungry and she had these really cool golden eyes. When I left Alaska we lost touch and it wasn't until last year that I met her the second time. It was in a bookstore in Seattle and by then I was seventeen. But the weird thing was… so was she. She tried to pass it off saying, '_you must have me confused with someone else._' But I knew it was her. She always wore this old gold, heart-shaped locket around her neck; I had never seen another like it. That was when I questioned her about the age thing. I mean, no anti-ageing cream works that fast.

She seemed to cave and dropped the charade after that, but she looked almost afraid that I had recognised her. So, there we stood, in between the classic and the science fiction section of _Barnes and Noble,_ as I gaped at her like she was some sort of ghost. She told me not to say anything, to just forget it and I did but it was her words as she left that stuck with me: "_It's better for you if you don't know_." It was like she was protecting me. But from what?

I quietly entered the house and headed for the kitchen, all the while thoughts of Kate Denali and her fearful golden eyes plagued my mind. I made dinner and Charlie started eating before I had even sat down.

"Dad, do you remember when we stayed in Alaska and there was that family the Denali's? Do you think they still live there?" I asked, mindlessly playing with the food on my plate.

"Hmm," Charlie grumbled, removing some pasta sauce from his moustache. "Yeah, the Denali sisters; pretty girls. I don't know if they still live there."

I stared at my pasta as I spoke, trying not to be too obvious about fishing for information. "Did they ever seem…I don't know, odd to you?" I looked up into Charlie's brown eyes that mirrored mine almost exactly.

"Eh, I don't know it was a few years ago now, but I guess four young women living alone in a small town is a little odd. But you know small towns; people like to gossip when they have nothing better to do." Charlie shovelled in more food, his long chews giving me time to think.

I knew Kate was the youngest of her sisters. Well, youngest looking. "What kind of gossip?"

"I don't know, Bells, it was a long time ago," Charlie almost wined and I let the subject drop.

Maybe I could find Kate's number; there might be something behind this whole non-aging thing. I mean, the short time I knew her she was never ill and she always looked perfect. I wonder what the area code is for Alaska…

I finished washing the dishes in a hurry because I wanted to tell Alice about my letter. I still couldn't believe it; I didn't think I would actually get in. I still had to call my mom, too. I pulled the phone from the kitchen, reading Charlie's scrawl from the old address book. I punched in the numbers for her cell. It rang maybe twelve times and I could just imagine her fumbling in her purse looking for the tiny phone, then figuring out how to accept the call.

"Hello!" My mom's voice rang through the phone and I didn't realise how much I missed hearing her voice until now. "Hello? Damn phone."

"Mom, it's me, Bella."

"Hi, baby, how are you? Why haven't you called?" Renee scolded.

Not even thirty seconds, that's a new record. "Sorry, mom, I promise to try and call more, but I have some news." I stayed silent and then heard her gasp.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" Renee said, seriousness colouring her tone.

"What?" I laughed. "I say I have news and that's the first thing you think? Thanks, mom."

"I was just kidding… but I _am_ glad."

"Anyway, the real news is, I got in. I got accepted to Dartmouth!" I almost squealed into the phone.

"Ah!" Renee shouted with me, as I saw Charlie give me a weird look. "I'm so proud! You have to get me a bumper sticker and all that crap so I can tell everyone my daughter is going to an Ivy League!"

"Sure, mom." That's not at all embarrassing. "So, anyway, how are you? How's Phil?"

"You know, he's still in training. I've started this new pottery class but everything I try to makes ends up as an ashtray."

I stayed on the phone for ten more minutes, listening to my mom's clumsy moments of the week. I remembered to pick up my acceptance letter before I left. Charlie didn't even ask where I was going; I think he just kind of guessed by now.

Alice's room door was closed and I knocked before I entered, not wanting a replay of last time. "Hey, Alice, you won't believe what I got today."

My smile dropped as I entered the room and saw two men staring at me in surprise; one was obviously a doctor, wearing pale green scrubs, the other wore an ugly brown suit with a white shirt. Alice lay unmoving on the bed and there were so many wires and tubes attached her body, my eyes couldn't follow them all. I rushed to her side, dropping my letter and reaching for her hand. I gave it a shake and her arm just shook and went limp again… _Come on, wake up… wake up, Alice, please_.

"I thought you said she had no family," the doctor whispered, like I wasn't even in the room.

"She doesn't. She's been in the care of the state her whole life, say's right here: Mary Brandon, only child."

"What happened?" I asked, praying for Alice to move or just do something. She had a tube attached to her mouth and a machine seemed to provide her with slow, steady breaths.

"I'm sorry, I can only discuss patient details with family members or, in Mary's case, a social worker." He stood, repeating his stupid words like they were supposed to mean something.

"Her name's Alice," I whispered through clenched teeth. I rubbed the top of her palm, trying to get something, a connection, anything.

"Sorry, what was that?" The social worker leaned in.

I unclenched my jaw, letting it relax before I looked at the man; the man who got to know more about my friend, about the person I loved, than I did, because I didn't have the right blood or piece of paper to prove it. "I said her name is Alice!" I yelled at the man, my rage boiling over, "and you don't know her; none of you do!" I wanted to yell and punch something at the same time.

"Sorry, miss, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Leave? Why should I leave?!" I shouted, as the doctor tried to keep a calm tone. I rounded the bed in a blind rage. I didn't know what I was going to do but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder and one wrapped around my chest pulling me back.

"Guys, can't you just give the girls five minutes," Sam's voice echoed in my ear. She squeezed me tighter as they both looked between Alice and I, finally leaving quietly.

I relaxed into Sam's hold once they left. I focused my attention back on Alice, as Sam seemed to linger in the background.

"What happened?" I asked, trying to look into Alice's eyes but they were closed and unmoving. She didn't even look like she was sleeping.

"I know she didn't want you to know this stuff, Bella, but she was in a lot of pain."

Why didn't she tell me? I squeezed Alice's small hand but it was cold; so cold. Come on, just let me see those blue eyes one more time.

"It's time to say goodbye, Bella."

"No… no," I shook my head. "You're not allowed to die, okay? Do you hear me? It's not allowed."

"Bella," Sam whispered, as she placed her hands on my shoulders. "It's time."

I wanted Sam to lie to me; to tell me that it was fine; that everything would be okay. I wanted Alice to wake up and tell me, 'hey, I'm all better now.' Hot tears streaked down my face, falling onto our intertwined hands. There had to be another way. There had to be, and I was going to find it. "It's not fair."

"I know it's not, but Alice loved you and you'll never lose that." Sam tried to pry me away but I wouldn't budge. "You still have a few days until the paper work is done, but I think it might be better if you just say goodbye now. You don't want to remember her this way."

I'm not saying goodbye, not yet. "Okay," I said to Sam, as I motioned for her to give me a little privacy. She took a few steps back towards the door and I leaned in close to Alice's ear. I couldn't stop my legs from shaking or the desperation penetrating my voice but I managed to choke some words out. "I… love you, okay? Love in death or in life. This is where I get to be the selfish one, okay? Because I'm not ready to let you go yet, I need you." I leaned my forehead against her ear, trying to get the words through, hoping she could hear me. "You've always been the stronger one. It's one of the things I love about you and I just need you to be strong for a little bit longer." I brushed the stray strands of hair from her face and placed a small kiss on her head.

I released her hand and my body seemed to ache as I pulled away. I had to just keep telling myself this wasn't goodbye, just, 'see you later.'

I left without a word, ignoring everyone on my way out. My mind felt like white noise – that snowy kind of static just seemed to take over all my senses. I wasn't fit to be in charge of my body right now and I just seemed to be like a zombie, just moving and doing things on instinct. Left, right, left, right, my feet hit the concrete like a metronome. I don't even know how I got home, but I did. Charlie's truck was gone and I was glad to have the space. I sat in the darkened living room and pulled at the roots of my hair. I couldn't explain it, but in the silence I felt this voice inside my head. I'm not sure if it was my conscious talking or what. It didn't even say anything; it was more like a feeling. Like, I had to do something; something specific. The only thing I could think about was Kate and her odd family that didn't age. Their eyes like liquid gold haunted me in my dreams, but now I was awake and I could still see them when I closed my eyes.

I have to go to Alaska; I have to see Kate. But it's a day's drive and what about Charlie? He wouldn't understand. Screw it, I could never live with myself if I didn't at least try. I got up on shaky legs and scrawled a note for Charlie telling him not to worry, even though I knew that was pointless, and that he could ground me all he wants when I get back. I packed some essentials and felt like throwing up a few times, but managed to keep somewhat calm. It was nightfall before I exited and the dark seemed to greet me like an old friend.

Xxx

Secrets of the Night

Tell me...in the dark of the night, with you

Alone in thought...do you ever wonder, if

When your last breath is drawn, there will

Is more than life?

When you hear the sounds of the night,

The howling of the wolf, the cricket and

Thousands of unseen noises that break

The stillness...

Do you wonder if they can hear you?

Do you ever wonder if you could have done?

More for those you loved? And, if they cared

Enough...to do more for you.

Do you ever wonder if your cries of despair

And disappointment are heard some place

Beyond the stars?

Do you wonder about the choices you've made and

If they truly made a difference?

Have you ever heard that voice deep inside you, questioning

The reason for your existence...and why you should go on?

Do you ever wonder about the insensitivity and lack?

Of consideration of those who say they love you?

Have you ever wondered to yourself, why you have been

So fortunate...is to have love in your live?

In your life...have you ever wondered about the

Changes you could have made? And if you made

Those changes...would they...could they...

Have mattered that much?

If you had it to do it again...have you ever wondered,

What would you do differently?

Joe Fazio

Xxx

I reached the town with a population less than Forks and the streets seemed oddly familiar, but not in any direct sense. I remember their house being on the outskirts; I only ever got as close as the driveway. I prayed they still lived here. As I took a turn onto a dirt road, the truck shook hard, the tires not used to the uneven terrain.

_This is what I have to do… this is what I have to do_. I parked outside the large house which was more modern than I would have thought for the area. They had a huge wrap around porch and an empty swing swayed in the breeze. There was a car at the side of the house. It was cherry red and hard to miss against the large white house. I took that as a good sign that at least someone lived here. The steering wheel slipped in my sweaty palms as I kept an aggressive grip, trying to think about what I was going to say.

The massive oak door seemed to shadow me and I wondered if they would even hear a knock on this beast. I looked for a bell but there was none. I knocked rapidly three times, taking a step back as the door began to open before I even finished knocking.

"Hello," a tall, strawberry blonde answered, her eyes shimmering gold.

"I… I was wondering if Kate was here?" I scratched my jeans awkwardly as she seemed to look me up and down. Before she could even open her mouth to reply, Kate showed up at her side, as if from nowhere.

"Tanya, could you give us a moment please?" They exchanged glances that lingered for more than a moment, their eyes having a silent conversation.

Kate stepped onto the porch, closing the door gently behind her. She walked out into the yard, the gravel hardly crunching as she took long delicate strides. Spinning on her heel, I almost fell back with surprise.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" Kate spoke, more confused than angry.

"I know this is going to sound crazy." Kate chuckled, rolling her eyes but I continued. "But I need your help. I need you to help my friend. She's going to die and I think you can do something about that."

Kate's eyes filled with sorrow and she gave me a pitying look. "And what makes you think I can do anything?"

"Because of what you are. Use some sort of witchy power, I don't know." I spoke frantically, waving my hands.

Kate laughed at my desperation, which only made me angry. "Sorry, Bella, I'm not a witch."

"Then what are you?" I tilted my head. It was hard enough to believe they could be witches.

"I told you, it's better–"

"–For me if I don't know; I get it. But I'm sick of what's better for me. My friend's going to die; I need to do something."

Kate crossed her arms defensively over her chest. "Let her die." There was no emotion as she spoke.

She put it so simply, yet, I couldn't get my head around those simple three words. "No! I can't," I pleaded, trying not to get emotional; sobbing in her front yard wouldn't help. But I had driven all this way and to let Alice just die didn't seem like an option.

"Can't or won't?" Kate questioned, as I stood silent, my mouth gaping open. "I'm sorry for your friend, Bella, I truly am. You were a good friend to me at a time in my life when I needed one, but _this_ life…" Kate motioned around her, "…Isn't something you want for your friend. It may save her from death, but trust me, there are fates worse than death." Kate touched her locket mindlessly as she spoke.

I could see I was losing this battle but the only words I truly heard were, 'save her from death.' I couldn't give up now; not now that I knew it was possible. I took a step forward, closing the gap between us. I knew I sounded desperate when I spoke but I was desperate. It was this; after this I had nothing. I just couldn't let go yet. "Kate, _please_." I didn't know if saying please would make a difference, but it couldn't hurt.

"I'm sorry, I can't." Kate stood, an emotionless mask covering her face. As she turned to leave I fell to my knees.

I landed with a thud, the gravel digging awkwardly into my knees. I didn't want to fall, to seem weak, but I had come all this way. I hadn't slept and now I had lost the person I love. "I'm sorry, Alice, I couldn't do it" I whispered into the cold, Alaskan air. Kate's retreating form was like a searing knife in my back. How could she not understand? "Please, Kate, I love her. Haven't you ever loved anyone before? If you could save that person you love from death, wouldn't you?" I spoke softly not even sure she could hear me, but she seemed to stop and I picked my head up just as she turned to look at me, all the while spinning that locket with her fingertips.

Her back was stiff. She stood stalk still and her pale white skin looked a little darker. Her eyes seemed softer and she sighed, like she was about to speak. "I can't… but I may know someone who can."

**A/N well I hope you liked that and I should post a new chapter soon. If you have time please tell me what you thought in a review they are my inspiration to keep writing. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thank you for all the alerts and the reviews, didn't know I could make so many people teary eyed I take it as a compliment:] Again I can't thank ****Beetlebum101 enough she does make these stories worth reading and you should check out her stories because they are all amazing. **

A passing car created a gust of wind, pushing stray hairs into my line of vision, disrupting my staring contest with the payphone. The ticking sounds rolled on as people continued to fill their gas guzzling cars. I spun the business card in my hand, running my thumb over the raised black ink. _Dr. Carlisle Cullen_ – I had never met a 'Carlisle' in my life, but the name conjured up images of royalty; like it held some sort of prestige. What would I say to this man? _Drop whatever plans you have and help me, please_. Yeah, that seemed about right. It seemed to be now or never as I reached for the shiny plastic phone, cradling it between my head and my shoulder and putting the quarters in. They dropped into the belly of the machine with a metallic _clink_. I held the card up to the keypad, double-checking each number I pushed. Once the last number was pushed, it started to ring and I shivered so badly I almost dropped the phone. I moved the phone into my hand and scrunched my eyes closed, just bracing myself for the unknown.

"Hello?" A male voice rang down the phone line.

"Hello. Is this Doctor Carlisle Cullen?" I bit my lip, hoping I had the right person.

"Yes; may I ask who is speaking?" His voice was calm and soothing; everything you'd expect of a doctor.

When Kate gave me his card I thought she was trying to get me in touch with a specialist or something, but I explained to her it was too late. However, apparently Carlisle had taken cases like this before; Kate wouldn't tell me much more than that, though. "Hi. Yes, my name is Bella Swan, I'm a friend of Kate Denali. She gave me your number because… See, I have this friend and she's going to die really soon if I don't do something and I asked Kate but she said she couldn't, but she gave me your number and I'm really hoping you can help me out because you're my last chance," I rambled out at top speed, unable to stop.

"I see. Where are you?" He asked, quizzically.

"Right now, I'm somewhere between Alaska and Forks. I live in Forks, that's where my friend is."

"Ah, Forks, I know where that is. My family actually own a home there, though we've not been to it in quite some time," he recalled, happily.

I was somewhat relieved he had heard of Forks; maybe he'd be more willing to help than I thought. "So, you'll do it? You'll help her?"

"That's a complicated question to answer over the phone. I'm in Portland right now with my family, but I should be able to leave tonight. I can call the hospital and look over your friend's charts. What's your friend's name?"

"Her name is Alice… Mary-Alice Brandon," I said with disbelief. "Thank you. Thank you, so much."

"Don't thank me just yet," Carlisle whispered, a hint of sadness in his voice. "It's very unusual to find out that the Denali's have a human friend after all that happened." Carlisle said, but I had no idea what he meant by it.

"It was a long time ago," I said, as the word _human_ seemed to linger in my ears. He said it with such ease. I knew they were something more than human, but I never thought they could be something in-human. "When do you think you'll be able to make it? There isn't very long left, maybe a day or two at most." It was difficult to actually admit it to myself, as I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

"Well," he paused. "I'll leave as soon as I can. I should make it there by early morning."

"From Portland?" I said in disbelief, and he seemed to chuckle. "Don't worry, I'll drive fast."

There seemed to be an awkward pause and the phone crackled to fill the silence. This man I didn't even know or had ever met just agreed to help me. Well, whatever they are, they can't be all bad. Kate's words rang in my head: '_worse than death._'

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen, really. I just didn't know what else to do." I sighed and I didn't know what I was admitting, I just needed to say it.

"That's okay, Bella. Do you have a number I can call you on when I get to Forks?" His voice was soft and caring and I wanted to keep talking to him.

"Oh, yes, of course." I rattled off the home number and we said goodbye, him promising to call me as soon as he could.

**(Later that night)**

I let the truck idle as I sat outside my own home, too afraid to go inside. I knew Charlie would be upset; he may even yell and he hardly ever yelled. My hand started to shake as I tried to open the door to the truck. I took a breath to steady myself. I might as well get it over with now.

I walked up the porch and into the house, like nothing was wrong. I took off my jacket and hung it up next to Charlie's, before I moved to the living room.

"Where have you been?" Charlie said from the couch, in a voice far to calm but he didn't look at me and I felt slightly afraid. I didn't answer, as Charlie got up from the couch raising his arms in annoyance. "Do you know how worried I've been? I almost had the whole town out looking for you!"

I was really glad he said _almost_. "I… I had to see a friend. Alice is…" I couldn't finish the sentence, and I could see in his eyes that he knew. "I just had to talk to someone."

Charlie slumped back down on the couch and I took the seat next to him. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I knew this was going to happen. But why didn't you come to me?" I gave him a look that reaffirmed our history. "…I'm not very good at talking to you about things, am I?"

That was an understatement if I had ever heard one. I loved Charlie but our relationship was not built on deep communication, and that wasn't something I minded. "I'm sorry I had you worried. Am I grounded?"

Charlie seemed to take a minute looking over me before he spoke. "Will you do it again?"

If I needed to. "If I had to." The thing about Charlie and I is that we didn't speak a lot but we never lied to each other.

"Well, if you have to, can you call me next time? I'll come with you," Charlie bargained, with a sad smile.

"Sure."

"So, where did you go, anyway? 'Cause I called all your friends from school."

"Alaska."

"Alaska! Now, look here, you should have told me if you were going out of state." Charlie's voiced calmed as he finished. "So, this was why you were asking about the Denali's." Charlie narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"Yeah, she knows people. I thought she could help, but she can't." I hung my head as a heavy sleepiness seemed to take over me and I swayed a little. "It's been a long day; I think I'm just going to go to bed." I headed for the stairs, only stopping to say goodnight.

Xxx

Charlie didn't even bother trying to wake me, but I couldn't sleep anyway so I was fully awake when he softly closed the front door. As much as I would have loved to stay in bed all day, I had to get ready in case Carlisle called.

Once showered and dressed, I sat in the kitchen so I could be closer to the phone. I put on the TV just to have some noise that wasn't inside my own head. I sat at the small, two-seated table and I was immediately reminded of Alice and last time she was allowed to stay over. It seemed so long ago now.

**(Flashback)**

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked, sticking my head in the fridge and seeing what was available.

Alice sat at the small table, beating her palms against the wood along with whatever music was playing from the TV.

"I don't know, you pick," she sang, as she continued to beat the table.

I looked at the milk and we had some left over pizza and some eggs. I really needed to do some shopping. I made a mental note to go tomorrow.

"Uh… what about pancakes?" I asked, taking out the milk and the eggs and putting them on the counter.

"For dinner?" Alice asked, quizzically.

"Sure, why not?" I asked, grabbing some bowls out of the high cabinet.

Alice got up and stalked over to the ingredients, looking them over cautiously. "I dunno. I guess I just never thought about it." She laughed. "Can I help?"

"Sure, why don't you pass me the flour; it's in the cabinet above you." I motioned with my head as I cracked a few eggs into a bowl.

Alice stretched tall to try and reach the flour. I noticed her trouble and was about to help when she managed to get a hold of it with the tips of her fingers, pulling it forward. Unfortunately, it seemed to snag on something, causing it to fall forward and a cloud of white flour covered her head. Alice shook her head like a wet dog and I couldn't help almost falling over with laughter. I held onto the side of the counter as laughter continued to rake through my body. Alice dramatically wiped the flour from her face and her head. As she patted her head, more flour seemed to cast off into small clouds.

I tried hard to stop laughing, I did try, but every time I looked at her I just couldn't do it. "I... I'm... I," I said in-between laughs, trying to say, '_I'm sorry, do you need some help?_' But only managing a strangled laugh. I tried to speak again but something hit me in the face and I instinctively closed my eyes.

I knew it was flour, I just knew it, but I couldn't believe it. Some had gotten into my mouth and started to clump together as I removed the white powder from my eyes.

"Whoops, my hand slipped," Alice said, innocently, and there were still faint traces of white in her jet-black hair.

I spat out the foul tasting powder into the sink, using my hand to gulp down some water. "That wasn't very nice."

"Neither is laughing at your friend," she rebutted, and I hated that she was kind of right. She laughed and I didn't care if I looked stupid if it made her happy.

"We might not have enough left now," I added.

"That's okay, we can just take it off your face," Alice laughed and I tried to suppress a smile.

I ran my hand over my cheek, collecting some of the dust from the flour and stepped forward, holding out my palm as she moved back. I rubbed my hand over her cheek and down her jaw, leaving faint fingerprints on her face.

"There, sharing is caring, after all." I shuddered as my hand left her hot cheek.

There was a heavy silence as I stepped back and began cooking again. The floor was covered in footprints and the counters had big patches of white, but I left them as I mixed together the batter and Alice took a seat at the table.

"You think Charlie's going to be mad?" She asked, looking over the kitchen.

"Nah, not if I just blame it on you. He can never stay mad at you," I said, knowing Charlie would never find out; he would be home late and it would be clean by then. "It must be some sort power you have; to cute for your own good," I laughed.

Alice stayed silent as I flipped the pancake, getting it nice and golden brown.

"You really think that… that I'm cute?" I turned to Alice when she spoke to see her expression. She was smiling and her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

Was she blind? She was beautiful, but I couldn't say that to her. "As a button," I smiled cheerily, turning back to the dinner.

"What makes buttons cute?"

"I honestly don't know."

**(End flashback)**

The phone rang, tearing me from my memory. I picked it up on the third ring with a quick _hello_.

"Hello, is this Bella Swan?"

"Yes, Doctor Cullen, it's me, Bella." I gripped the phone with so much force the plastic started to crack underneath my grip.

"Would you be able to meet me today at the hospital?"

"Yes, I can leave right now. I'll be there in ten minutes."

"I'll wait for you by the reception."

"Okay, Doctor Cullen, see you soon." I tried to suppress my excitement.

"Goodbye, Bella."

I practically raced to the hospital, pushing the old truck as fast as it could go. The doors whizzed open as I entered the reception area, wildly checking for someone who looked like a _Dr. Carlisle Cullen_.

A tall man in a white coat approached me and he looked like a movie star that had gotten lost on the way to set; but like an old movie star, like a beach blonde James Dean. The first thing that sold it for me was his eyes: the color of liquid gold.

"Doctor Cullen?" I asked.

"You must be Bella." I nodded in silent confirmation.

"We should talk in my office." He smiled, leading me in a direction I had never been to in the hospital. There weren't any operation or patient rooms, just filing cabinets and ringing phones.

"You have an office?"

"Well, it's not mine yet, but they want me to have it." Carlisle seemed happy about this fact. "My family are planning on moving back so I'm going to be taking a more permanent position at the hospital."

Carlisle held the door open as I took a seat in the small, dimly lit room. He took a seat behind the desk and seemed to have a file set up on the desk in front of him.

"Now, I've looked over Mary-Alice's case."

"It's Alice," I cut in automatically, without thinking.

"Sorry, yes, I looked over Alice's case and it doesn't seem like there's much modern medicine can do for her, I'm afraid. But I need to know if she's okay with the possibility of me turning her into a vampire."

"V-Vampire," I stuttered, standing from my seat and moving back. This was too insane; he just said he was a vampire. What was Kate doing sending me to this guy?

"I thought you knew; didn't Kate explain all this to you?" Carlisle seemed genuinely confused, as I shook my head, _no_

This guy thinks he is a vampire.

"Of course she wouldn't, she would leave me to break the law." He seemed to smirk like he'd been out played.

"What law?"

He licked his lips with a sigh and seemed to speak almost sadly. "Our kind…" he looked up at me through his lashes. "Vampires have laws, but the greatest law is not to let humans know of our existence."

"What about books, movies? Nosferatu… Count Chocula? People know about Vampires."

"Yes, but as your reaction spoke, they don't believe in them; they think it's a fairy tale."

I'm dreaming. I must have never gotten out of bed. That's it. Soon I'll wake up and this will all be a hazy memory.

"What did you think I was?" Carlisle asked with a slight smirk.

I didn't know exactly, I was kind of winging it here. "Uh, I don't know. Some sort of witch doctor?"

"Witches don't exist."

"Said the vampire," I replied, as he smiled.

If he was a vampire, why was I still alive? Why hadn't Kate killed me if she was one to? "If you're a vampire, why am I still alive?"

"My family and the Denali's aren't like others of our kind. We consider ourselves vegetarians because we only drink from animals."

He drinks animal blood. Of course he does; how stupid of me. "If you're really what you say you are, prove it," I demanded, crossing my arms.

As soon as I had finished my sentence, Carlisle was in front of me and I almost fell backwards. As I steadied myself, he gripped the metal frame of the chair, balling it up in his hand like a piece of paper. The metal whined under his hands and the frame just seemed to disappear under his grasp.

"Okay, you're a vampire." I held up my hands in defeat.

So, vampires exist. And they drink animal blood. And are doctors. And help people they don't know. And have laws. I tried to accept the words, but my brain just seemed to think, _are you high?_

"Yes."

"And you can turn my friend into a vampire."

"Yes."

"When can you do it?" I asked, trying to stay calm.

"Bella, I don't think you've really thought this decision through enough. This isn't something many people choose. I didn't choose this life, but I try to do the best I can with what I have. There are others of our kind, though; ones that seem to hold all the evil of this world."

After knowing Kate and meeting Carlisle that didn't seem possible, but what did I know, really? "I don't have another option."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't! I can't just let her die."

"I'm sorry, Bella, really; I know what it's like."

"How? How do you know?"

"Well, I turned my wife into a vampire. She was gravely injured and she wasn't my wife at the time, but it felt like something I had to do. I had faith it was the right thing." Carlisle seemed to linger on the word _faith_.

"You have faith."

"Yes, even if many of our kind believe we are evil and damned to this life; that we have no soul." Carlisle bowed his head. "I believe we have the opportunity to earn a soul."

"What's it like to be a vampire?" I asked softly, moving forward and retaking my seat.

"It's different for everyone; confusing and overwhelming to start with. You have so much power. You're super-fast, super strong and can hear for miles. You see everything in a new light and that can go to your head, make you think you're better than everyone else. Then there is the thirst." Carlisle spoke with distain. "During the first year or so of being a vampire you retain all your human blood, making you the strongest you'll ever be in vampire life, but it comes with a burning thirst for blood; any blood. The strength starts to wane after the first year but the thirst stays and it can drive you crazy with want; but with time and patience, it gets better."

"How can you stand it? To be in a hospital?" I asked, amazed. Carlisle's voice was compelling me to stay quiet to let him finish.

"It took a long time, but being immortal, all you have is time."

"Immortal," I repeated.

"In many ways, yes. I mean, there are ways for our kind to die but I don't advise them," he joked.

"How old are you?" I knew it seemed rude to ask, but I had to.

"Twenty-three."

"And how long have you been twenty-three?"

"Just over three hundred years."

I swallowed hard. Three hundred years… "Wow, that's a long time."

"Yes, it is. If you want me to turn your friend, Bella, you have to understand that she'll have these things ahead of her in this life. I'm willing to help her; to show her my way of living. But the choice will be hers. Would you be able to live with that?

I didn't know. I didn't know if I would be able to. All I've been thinking about is Alice. I couldn't believe she would ever hurt anyone. "I don't know."

"I think we've talked enough for today; you have a lot to think about."

"Wait, Kate said you had done this before and you said you have a family. How were they turned?"

"Yes, I turned my whole family: my wife and our two sons, Emmett and Edward, and our daughter, Rosalie. I think that maybe you should come over tomorrow and meet them. I don't feel it's right to tell their stories."

"Tomorrow." But I thought it would happen today. We don't have time.

"Don't worry, I've managed to stall them on Alice's case. We have a few days," he said, like that made things any easier.

"Okay, but can you tell me a little about them first so I know what to expect?" I was a little nervous about meeting a house full of vampires.

"Well, they say that vampires bring through their greatest or brightest human quality to this life, and for my wife it had to be her loving nature. She loves our kids and me so much, I count myself blessed every day." He smiled and his eyes seemed to glaze over with worry. "However, Esme wasn't the first person I turned; that would be Edward.

It was his mother that had asked me. They were both going to die of Spanish influenza and there was nothing I could do but let them. His mother was so adamant that I save him and when I looked in her eyes, it was like she knew. She knew what I was and she begged me to save her only son. I was lonely at the time; I had taken to working nights and living alone, never going out or mixing too much with humans, in fear of hurting one. I was weak and selfish and I changed him. Edward hates our kind; believes we are without souls. But I feel he just needs a mate; he's been alone so long. And that brings me to Rosalie.

She is the one who most hates what we are, but she has her reasons. And they are good reasons. I originally thought she could be a mate for Edward. I mean, she is beautiful, there is no denying that; even as a human she was beautiful. Remember what I said about bringing your character through to this life? Well, for Rose, it was her beauty. So I did what I said I would never do again – I changed her. And she hated this life; hated Edward even more. But she seemed to get slightly better the day she met Emmett." Carlisle's eyes lit up as he spoke of Emmett. He seemed to speak of all his children happily, but he seemed to smile at the mention of Emmett. "Emmett loves this life. He is a man of simple pleasures and he thinks this life is _awesome._ His words, not mine."

I laughed, hearing Carlisle utter such a word. "So, why does he love it so much?"

"You'll have to ask him."

Xxx

I had thought the whole night and Googled the word 'vampire' to beyond comprehension and I was still freaking out about meeting Carlisle's family. It seemed dumb to think, 'what if they don't like me?'

I followed Carlisle's instructions to the letter, heading up the small secluded driveway for about a mile. The trees seemed almost endless until they broke suddenly, leaving nothing but a large gravel path. The house was more of a modern day mansion, with its beach wood sidings and large windows that seemed endless.

Carlisle opened the door before I had even moved to knock and I stepped back in surprise.

"I heard you." Carlisle seemed to smile, showing his perfect white teeth.

I stared at his mouth, looking for some sort of fang or clue but there was nothing except the golden eyes. He looked perfectly normal; maybe too perfect. I followed Carlisle into the house and it seemed to open up into a large living area where natural light poured in from the windows. Carlisle seemed to move silently and I didn't know which way to look as their home seemed like a museum, with large paintings and photographs covering the walls.

"We matriculate a lot."

"Well, I guess you have the time." I didn't even think as I had said it and I hope he didn't think of it as offensive.

I was still trying to understand the whole _vampires exist_ thing. We came to a small kitchen area and I could smell tomatoes and even… garlic? A big guy was behind the counter chopping away and he seemed to pop his head up and smile, showing his dimples as he waved the knife in my direction. If I had to guess I would say that was Emmett.

"Bella, this is Emmett and my wife, Esme," Carlisle motioned, and I didn't even see her behind Emmett.

Esme moved quickly from behind the counter and I thought she was going to shake my hand, but before I could react, I was embraced into a hug. I don't know if it was her or the food but something smelled fantastic. She took a step back, smiling, as Carlisle wrapped his arm around her, placing a small kiss on her head. They looked perfect together.

"Bella, it's so nice to meet you. I hope you're hungry." Esme smiled again and it seemed so naturally happy, like she exuded comfort.

I had eaten before I came; I made sure because of the whole drinking blood thing. I didn't think of them cooking. Maybe they can eat food as well? "Sure. It does smell delicious."

"Thank you. It gave us an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time."

I smiled and nodded politely as I stayed in my place. I guess that answered my question about the food. "Do you need any help?" I offered.

"No, dear, you're a guest. Edward should be here in a moment." Esme glanced at Carlisle and went back to the kitchen.

"I have a question!" Emmett shouted from the kitchen, a little too loudly. "How do you know when pasta is ready?"

"Well, you could try it?" I offered and Emmett screwed up his face at just the mention of eating it. "My mom sometimes used to throw a piece of spaghetti at the wall and if it stuck to the tile, that meant it was ready." I huffed a laugh, remembering Renee's attempts in the kitchen.

"Oh?" Emmett smirked, sticking his hand into the pot of boiling water and pulling out a hand full of spaghetti. He launched it across the room faster than I could see and Esme gasped. The pasta seemed to hit a large photo frame, knocking it to the ground and the glass shattered over the floor. The room was silent when a boy entered, looking at the mess of glass and pasta that was now covering the dining room floor.

"Emmett, you better clean that up this instant!" Esme scolded him, and to my surprise, he did seem scared.

He huffed like a child as he moved his giant frame from behind the counter. The boy that I assumed to be Edward smirked as he passed Emmett and Emmett smiled, giving him a pat on the back.

"Edward," Carlisle called. "Where have you been? I told you we had a guest this evening."

"Sorry, father, I was out hunting. It seemed necessary, since we are entertaining a human." Edward seemed petulant and I could tell instantly he was against the idea. Hell, I knew before I met him that he would be.

They exchanged looks – almost a challenge – and Edward relented, offering me a crooked smile and holding out his hand. "Sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Edward Cullen." I took his hand in mine and it felt like ice. Is this what Alice would feel like when she's turned? "Cold, I know, sorry." He seemed genuinely sorry as he let go of my hand and he stood straight, his hands clasped behind his back.

He stared at me for a moment and I felt awkward under his gaze. He was handsome; it seemed like a vampire thing. I wanted to look at him but I found myself repeating, 'don't look, don't look,' over and over in my head.

"Would you like a tour?"

"Yes."

Carlisle smiled and I shot him a wary glance, following Edward through the dining room into a smaller room with a piano.

"This is the music room," he scanned with his hand, as I tried to take everything in.

"Who plays?"

"We all do. It's one of those things that happens when you can never sleep – you gain a lot of hobbies."

"You don't sleep… ever?" I asked, shocked.

"Nope," Edward continued, as he popped the 'p' sound.

We continued the tour and Edward would stop randomly, me staying a few paces behind. I wanted to ask him more vampire things but I didn't know how to bring it up. _Um, hey, how did you die? Did it hurt? _

We reached a room on the third floor and as Edward opened the door, the first thing I saw was an old juke box and the room seemed to be filled with music.

"This is my room," Edward spoke gently. He motioned for me to sit on the couch in the middle of his room, as he also sat down a few seats away. I was glad for the distance. Where Carlisle made me feel at ease, Edward seemed to have an edge and I didn't want to get on his bad side.

There was a silence, before Edward's voice seemed to cut through the room, stopping all my wayward thoughts. "I think you're making a mistake."

"Why is that?"

"Because death is a natural part of life." He seemed almost scripted as he spoke.

"But if vampires exist, they are also a part of life," I reasoned.

Edward sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, and I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, seeing for the first time a resemblance of the human boy he once was.

"What are you thinking?" Edward's eyes narrowed on me; they seemed darker than before. "Are you scared?"

I had to think if I was scared. I was nervous, yes, but scared? I looked at him and thought of Carlisle and Esme; they seemed anything but scary. Even Edward, though somewhat dramatic, seemed to have a boyish charm when he smiled. It was the little human parts in them that I saw. "No." I shook my head and he seemed to grow more agitated.

"Why can't I hear what you're thinking?" Edward stood, pacing the floors at a heightened speed. He seemed to be talking to himself, as he bit into his knuckle. His pace slowed and he leaned into me, as I leaned back into the soft leather of the couch. His head tilted slightly and his shaggy, bronze hair flopped down as he placed his hands on either side of my body. He looked into my eyes and the gold seemed to freeze, his pupils constricting.

"Carlisle didn't tell you I could read minds did he?" Edward pulled back quickly and he seemed to relax with the new space.

Read minds! Now they have extra super powers. "You guys can read minds, too?"

Edward smirked, but only barely. "No, just me. Carlisle seems to think we bring our greatest trait into this life and I was always rather good at reading people. But you… I can't get a read on you."

"What, so there's something wrong with me? My head's messed up?"

Edward laughed loudly for the first time and I didn't get what was so funny. Maybe I had a tumour or something.

"I tell you I can read minds and you think _you're_ the weird one. My, you are an interesting one, Bella Swan."

"Carlisle didn't tell me much about you, other than he changed you because you were going to die and that your mother asked for you to be changed. What did it feel like? The change, I mean."

"The venom – it's excruciating. Days of blinding, unbearable pain that make you beg for death, and after three days your prayers are answered. Edward took a seat, leaning forward and clasping his hands together. "I do care for Carlisle; for this family. We have strung together over the years. But I wish my mother had never asked him to change me. I wish she would have let me die with her. I was not meant for this life."

"Carlisle has faith that you were."

"Ah, yes, Carlisle and his _faith_. You can't unlearn some lessons from your past life. Did Carlisle tell you his father was a preacher?" I shook my head and he continued.

"Let me show you something."

I followed Edward out into the hall where there was a giant wooden cross hanging on the wall. It looked old and it was difficult to get passed the irony. We stood staring up at the well-kept cross. My eyes followed the grooves and knots in the wood, and it was sort of beautiful when you looked at it. There was a gust and Carlisle seemed to show up from out of know where.

"This cross belonged to my father. It hung in the church where he preached. My father used to hunt creatures like us. He'd take a group of men into the streets of London, looking for unnatural creatures. I don't think he actually ever came across one of our kind in his lifetime, or he would surely have been killed. When he became too old to hunt, it was my duty as his son to take over. I was against it, of course, but I couldn't speak out against my father's wishes, so I just did what he told me. I tried to look in all the wrong places but luck was not on my side. One night I came across a vampire in the sewers. He was injured and he attacked me as he fled. I stayed in that sewer for five days before I fled to the woods. I became so blinded by thirst I attacked a passing deer and that's how I found that I could survive on the blood of animals. This life may not have been a choice but we still have choices."

Carlisle's life was like a history lesson come alive. I could almost imagine the rain-soaked, cobbled streets of London.

"The food is ready when you're finished." Carlisle nodded, as he disappeared again.

I really had to get used to the whole vampire speed thing. "Edward, you know when Carlisle says that you bring your biggest human trait into this life? What is his?"

"His compassion," Edward replied, without missing a beat.

Edward pulled out my chair for me when we reached the dining table. He took the seat next to me and Carlisle sat at the head of the table. The table was only set for one; a pristine white plate sat in front of me, with silver wear and an empty wine glass. There were two small candles in the middle of the table, sitting unlit. Another crash came from the kitchen and I hesitated to think what had happened.

"Rosalie, do you know how long it took me to make a tomato look like a Rose?" Emmett's deep voice echoed through the room.

"Please, Emmett, it's just one silly human. This whole thing is ludicrous. The only reason we're even entertaining the idea is for Carlisle."

Edward cleared his throat and the silence seemed to almost ring through to the kitchen. Esme brought through a platter of food and placed it on the table, as Emmet followed empty handed. Trailing behind Emmett was a woman that made me want to shrink back into this earth. She was so beautiful, it was almost unreal. I glanced away from her and back to Emmett, who wore a sorry smile.

"Sorry, Bella, there was a salad." He rolled his eyes as he took a seat at the table and I realised that they were all waiting for me to eat. Awkward.

"It's okay, Emmett, it all looks amazing, anyway."

"Would have been better, that's all I'm saying," he whispered. Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head and he fell forward slightly.

I think they must have given up on the pasta after Emmett's little tossing game. I took a bite of what looked like risotto and it tasted amazing. I ate slowly, trying not to make a pig of myself. Esme seemed content in watching, as she buzzed with anticipation over my first bite.

"This is amazing, Esme, where did you learn to cook?"

"Oh, you know, after a few years it's nice to have a hobby. But I'm glad someone can try it this time."

"Well, it is delicious. Thank you."

I took another bite and as the silence set in, it dawned on me that I was sitting at a dinner table with five vampires. What had my life become? What's next – summer vacation with the Easter bunny? The thoughts were insane.

"So, Bella, do you want to hear my story?" Emmett leaned over the table, arching an eyebrow as he spoke. I nodded and he cleared his throat dramatically.

"It was hunting season in Tennessee and me and my big brothers had just finished our shift on the rails, so we decided to load up the truck with guns, beer – almost everything a man needs," Emmett smirked. "So, as me and my bros were drinking, I saw a buck and went running after it. My brothers yelled at me to stop but I wanted this buck so bad. I ran for about ten minutes and it seemed to disappear; then I heard it roar." Emmett roared like a bear, holding up his hands like claws. "It was six feet tall when it stood and I was drunk. I had no idea whether to run or to shoot it and by the time I made up my mind, it was too late. The bear took one swing, knocking me to the ground and it started to bite me." Rosalie left the table, making an exit, and Esme followed after her. "Don't mind her, Bella. She doesn't like to show her feelings in front of people."

While Emmett was telling his story, I hadn't noticed Edward and Carlisle leave to.

"So, anyway, this black bear has me pinned and my life is flashing before my eyes. It was a good show; I did enjoy my human years. So, just, as I'm about to bite the dust, the bear disappears and there's this Angel. I was sure I was dead." Emmett's voice got quiet and his eyes glistened with the memory. "Rosalie found me while she was hunting. She carried me over a hundred miles, bleeding in her arms, to Carlisle so he could change me."

"Why didn't she just change you herself?" I questioned. If he was dying and she was there...

"Rose has never drunk human blood. Finding someone to drink your blood is the easy part, Bella. It's finding someone who'll stop that is hard."

That's why Kate couldn't help me? As I learned more, all the little puzzle pieces seemed to fall into place.

"So, do you think she made the right decision? To turn you?"

"I wasn't a great human, Bella. I smoked, I drank, I slept with women who weren't my wife – for all intents and purposes, I was going to hell. So, if this is my hell, then I think it's not so bad, if I get to keep an angel with me." Emmett smiled, flashing his twin dimples. But I was still unsure.

I had learned a lot about the pain and the decisions and it all just seemed like too much information. My brain just wasn't accepting it right now. "Emmett, I don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without her."

"What about her? What would she want?" Emmett stayed silent and I saw that he was waiting for an answer. Emmett seemed like one of the sweetest people I had met. I knew he wasn't innocent; he may have even killed people, but he seemed so nice.

"I don't know. What if I made the decision and she hated me? What if she decided to…"_ kill_ _people_, I finished, only in my mind. Emmett sighed, watching the struggle in my eyes.

I had always thought about what it would be like to have a big brother and Emmett seemed like he would be a good brother, if a little terrifying at times.

"Don't let Edward scare you with the whole 'no soul' bit. If he really thought that way, he wouldn't carry the guilt he does."

_Guilt about what?_ I wanted to ask, and Emmett seemed to have read my thoughts.

"Edward and I aren't as good as Rose or Carlisle. We have slipped up. I can't speak for Edward, but eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt; and Edward sure likes to wallow. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Rose. Don't tell him I told you this, but, he is a lot stronger than me for being able to go it alone so long," Emmett whispered, as I leaned back into the mahogany chair.

"It's getting late, I better get home."

Emmett smiled again before getting up, shaking the entire table as he did.

"Well, I hope you do decide to change her. It'll be good to have someone to wrestle. No one here can give me a good fight anymore," he chuckled, as we walked to the door.

Carlisle and Esme met us at the door. As Esme said goodbye, I seemed to linger, waiting for Carlisle to speak.

"Bella, you can come to the hospital tomorrow morning when you've made your decision. Just know that there is a choice, Bella. There's always a choice." Carlisle placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

Xxx

I don't know how I got home. I don't remember the roads or seeing any other cars. I just remember sitting in the drive, idling, like I had never left. The house was dark; the silence seemed welcoming as my thoughts seemed to rage on.

My legs trembled, shaking nervously as I grabbed hold on the rail, pulling myself up the steps to my room. My heavy feet knocked against each step. As I reached the top, I moved from the rail to the handle. I couldn't even make it to the bed; I collapsed against the side of the frame, pulling my knees desperately together. I rested my head against my knees, trying to collect my thoughts, but it was a jumble of words and images that didn't seem to stick together. I just wish I could talk to you, Ali; just one more time to know what you would have wanted; to just look in your eyes one more time, to feel wanted again.

"I don't know what to do, Alice. I love you." I don't know if that means holding on or letting go, anymore. I tried to sniff away the oncoming tears, brushing my dry eyes.

My hand fell to the ground and when I expected to feel the cold, hard wood of the floor, my pinkie brushed something soft, like silk. I rubbed my eyes, clearing them, and I leaned to see under the bed. It was so dark I couldn't really see anything, as I blindly put my hand underneath, searching for the soft fabric. I found it quickly, bringing it out into view. The purple fabric seemed to glitter in the dim light and I knew immediately what it was.

**(Flashback)**

I had never been much of a late sleeper and today was no exception, even though we had been up late the night before. Alice was still asleep on her side, snoring lightly as the room filled with morning light. You would never guess anything was wrong with her by just looking at her; she looked perfect.

I hovered my hand over her side, leaving a tiny space of air so I could feel the heat from her body on my hand without actually touching her. I let my hand follow the curve of her body, moving my fingertips as if her body were a piano and I was playing some old lullaby. I continued over her shoulder to her face and I wondered if she could feel me. I moved closer, trying to get a glimpse of her face. I wanted to kiss her shoulder to wake her up, but I couldn't. We aren't like that.

Alice stirred, moving onto her back as I retracted my hand at lightning fast speed.

"Is it time to get up?" Alice asked with a yawn, her eye's still closed.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," I replied, in the same sleepy voice.

"Are you getting up?" She asked, opening her eyes and turning to face me, as our eyes lined up on the pillow.

"I was thinking about it." But I would really rather stay here right now.

"Going to leave me alone in your bed? I feel sorry for whoever ends up with you." She smiled and it made me chuckle a rough morning laugh. "Wait you have a…"

Alice brushed her fingernails across my cheek, moving the wisp of hair back over my ear.

"I'm sorry." I _was_ sorry; mostly about everything and a little about some things. "What if I brought you breakfast in bed? Would that make it up to you?"

"It's a start," Alice smiled, as I reluctantly climbed out the bed. I moved to the dresser, grabbing a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt, as Alice started to get up to.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked over my shoulder.

"With you, silly. Why would I want to stay up here alone when you're down stairs?"

I couldn't really think of a reply before I opened my mouth. "Kind of destroys the whole breakfast in bed idea but…" I just shrugged, as Alice moved over to her duffle bag.

"Have you seen that purple blouse I had last night?" Alice tossed a few things from the bag onto the bed. "It's my favourite; I could have sworn I put it back in my bag last night."

"I'm going to start breakfast, don't take too long. If you need something to wear, just look in the dresser," I yelled, making my way to the bathroom.

**(Flashback end) **

I pulled the shirt up to my nose, twisting the soft fabric in my warm fists. It didn't smell like Alice. It didn't smell like anything. I just thought, maybe if I tried hard enough I could take a piece of it with me. Tears started to fall from my clenched eyes and I bit into the fabric, through to my fist, to stop from whimpering. _Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice… Alice_. The name thrummed in my brain, never letting go, just repeating over and over.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was too much; the decision was too big. I pulled the shirt back to examine the damage I had made, seeing random wet patches and wrinkles. I looked at the fabric thinking it shouldn't look this way; it shouldn't be this way. I couldn't make the decision, but I could fix this shirt.

I pulled myself from the bed, shaking the nerves from my legs. I headed to the kitchen, tossing the shirt into the washing machine and turning the dial, before pressing the right buttons until the water flooded.

I took a second to throw some water on my face, leaning over the sink as I wiped the drips away. I checked the time and I was glad for a moment that Charlie wouldn't be back. I tried to make a list of pros and cons in my head, but what's a pro and what's a con? Living forever – what column does that go in?

Alice's face filled my thoughts: flashes of her smile when she's happy or embarrassed, or when I walk through the door and I know she's been waiting for me. I smiled at the memory.

A soft knock at the front door broke me from my thoughts and a shot of adrenaline woke me up. I wasn't expecting anyone. Rubbing my face, frantically trying to cover some of the tear marks, I moved to the front door. As soon as I opened the door I took a step back.

"May I come in?" Rosalie's soft voice moved through the house.

I moved, letting her enter the small, two-bedroom home. She looked around, expectantly, before she moved to the living room and I followed. She seemed far too perfect to be sitting on Charlie's old, black sofa. She looked so out of place it was almost comical; her flawlessness seemed to put everything around her to shame – including me. She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off accidentally.

"Look, if you're here to tell me it's a bad idea and everything, could I just let you know that I can't take any more information today?" I sat on the edge of the couch, raking my hand through my hair.

"I've been sitting outside for a while." Rosalie's eyes widened and I could tell she had heard me say that I loved Alice.

"And?"

"I think you should do it; I think you should turn her."

"I'm sorry, what?" The girl who acted like an ice cold shoulder all day today was suddenly sitting on my couch, at my side.

"After hearing what Emmett said, it pains me to say it, but that the big oaf is right." She smiled ever so slightly at the memory. "This world is tough and going through it alone is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I asked Carlisle to change Emmett, even though my head was telling me it was wrong. I looked into his eyes, and I needed him. I gave into the little selfish part of me because Emmett reminded me of home, and I just wanted a little piece of that in this world. Is that so bad? What I'm trying to tell you is that, if you decide to change her, I'll look after her, personally. I'll try to make sure she doesn't harm any humans and show her the vegetarian lifestyle, but in turn, you have to make me a promise."

"What?" I leaned in closer.

"You have to promise that you'll try to have a normal human life. You're going to Dartmouth, right?" I nodded. "Well, go and try to move on. Meet people; have a new life."

"But what about Alice?"

"You wouldn't be able to see her for the first few years anyway. It would be too difficult, with the temptation of your blood. So, it's best if you just forget her." Rosalie looked at me like I should have been aware of this information.

Years. It would take years. But at least she would have a family to take care of her. A family; that's what she's always wanted. "You mean I wouldn't be able to see her, ever?" My voice trembled.

"Yes, it's best that way. I have almost a hundred years and it's still difficult for me to be around humans. No contact; you have a life away from our world; you pretend like we don't exist, and in exchange, I'll look after Alice. She'll have a life. A vampire life, but still..."

It sounds like a good deal. Alice – she could do all the things she wanted to do. But how could I trust Rosalie? How would I know? "I want updates. They can be emails or a phone call every so often… just to tell me how she is."

"Two a year?" Rosalie bargained.

"Five," I countered.

Rosalie pursed her lips, looking down before she met my eyes. Her golden orbs seemed to see right through me. "Three." I nodded, in agreement.

This was going to happen and I didn't know whether to jump up and down or cry; I felt like doing both. Then a thought hit me. "What if Alice wants to see me?"

"It would be too risky, and it goes against our laws. She could be killed because of it." Rosalie's eyes turned sad and there was no threat when she talked of death. It seemed like there was still a lot I didn't know about vampires. "I'll take care of it. You don't need to ever see any of us again."

Rosalie got up from the sofa, dusting the length of her jeans as I remembered something. "Wait, don't go just yet."

I raced to my book bag, unzipping the small front pocket and taking out the old sheet of paper. I stretched out my arm, holding out the square of paper that Rosalie took quietly, spinning it over in her fingers. "Could you give her that when the time is right? She's gonna want to do all that stuff."

Rosalie looked at the dirty piece of paper with confusion, before she nodded.

"I do believe you're doing the right thing here; it'll be best for the both of you. A clean break." Rosalie spoke calmly and she brushed past my awkward frame, heading for the door. "Oh, and if you could just keep this little meeting between us it would be appreciated."

I picked up my hand, as a symbol that I understood and she let herself out. I moved back to the kitchen, taking a seat at the small dining table and closed my eyes. I tried to imagine my future: starting a new school, meeting new people, shaking hands and going to bars, laughing over some silly comment. Alice's future, separate to mine, was blank. I would have no idea what her future holds. Maybe she would meet someone and get married. The image of Alice in white, dancing down an aisle as someone stood nervously at the altar came into my mind. I couldn't quite see the _someone_, but Alice looked happy and beautiful. I bit my lip, willing the image to continue before it fell apart.

The washing machine beeped and I got up and changed the shirt into the dryer.

As I got ready for bed, I could hear Charlie mulling around downstairs, along with the gentle shaking of the tree as it scratched the window, fighting against the wind. Taking a coat hanger from the wardrobe, I slipped it into Alice's shirt and slowly buttoned it from bottom to top. I took a second to run my fingers under the collar, folding it over. I placed the hanger back in the wardrobe, in-between my shirts. Taking a step back, I looked at the new colour that seemed to glow, standing out like a sore thumb against all the blacks, whites, greens and dull brown tones. This was my piece of Alice and it was small, but it was mine. My lip trembled and I tried to fight against it. I was sick of crying, but I didn't know any other way. I crawled into bed, hugging the pillow close to my body, as I let the quiet sobs lull me to sleep.

**A/N Thanks for reading. Please leave your thoughts and feelings in a review:] **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks for all the reviews it's getting close to the end of this story, I'm actually very nervous about posting now. Thanks again to beetlebum101 and if you haven't checked out her fic 'Self Help' I suggest you do you wont be disappointed:] **

As I stood outside the hospital watching the automatic doors open and close, people seemed to scurry around me, nudging my shoulder and whispering apologies as they continued on about their day. I blocked out everything, trying to find that inner voice that would tell me what to do. When I closed my eyes, though, I swear all I could hear was Alice calling my name. I stuck my hand in my pocket, feeling for the small box of matches I kept there. The familiarity was comforting, if only for a moment. Carlisle was waiting on me but I don't think he was the type to mind if I was late; he was such a good person. It just seemed natural to say _good person_; nothing else seemed to equal that statement.

I let out a heavy breath, taking a step forward through the doors. The familiar smell of something antibacterial filled my senses and it flooded my mind with memories. I had to tell my body to stop; to remind myself that it wasn't like old times. I kept my head down until I met Carlisle at the reception and then looked up to meet his gaze. He said nothing as I followed him, blindly. I thought I was going to his office until we reached a hallway I had walked down too many times to count. We passed the nurses' station and no one gave us a second look as we passed. I read the plastic door plaques as Carlisle entered number two hundred and four. I paused and he held the door open before I walked in.

Alice lay in the bed, exactly like the last time I was here. There was a clear tube attached to her mouth and the steady beeping of the monitors filled the room. She looked paler than before, if that was even possible, and it scared me.

"Have you made a decision?"

I paused. I had, but now I wasn't sure. I never took my eyes off Alice as I spoke. "Will you treat her like Emmett and Rose and Edward? She's always wanted a family; even though she said she didn't need one, I know she wanted one more than anything." I looked up at Carlisle, his golden eyes filled with sincerity as he replied.

"Of course."

It made me feel better to hear Carlisle say this, like a great weight had been lifted. I stayed to the back of the room, frozen to the floor, but my fingers twitched to touch her skin.

"Yes," I breathed. "Change her." I waited for Carlisle to move, to do whatever was needed, but he stood still. "What happens now?"

"Well, I'll turn off her life support and pronounce her dead. After that I'll have her taken to the morgue, placed in a body bag and have Emmett come pick her up. Don't worry, Bella, I have done this before."

I knew Carlisle was trying to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was losing the only person I ever loved. The only upside was knowing she'd be taken care of. I wondered though, "Carlisle, do you have to be dying to become one of you?"

I looked at him and he mirrored my confused expression, pausing slightly before he answered. "No, but…" He stopped, and I was grateful because I already understood.

Carlisle moved towards the bed and I didn't know what he was going to do.

"Wait… Can I have a minute, you know, to say goodbye?"

Carlisle nodded and left us alone in the room, as I slowly made my way forward. I was afraid to touch her in case I did something to hurt her, but my hand seemed to move on its own, itching its way forward. Her skin was still soft and warm as I lightly picked up her fingers. _What should I say? Can she hear me?_

"Alice, you're my best friend. I don't think I told you that enough. I didn't know what it was like to have a best friend before you came along. I don't think the world really prepared me for you; liking you... loving you." I glimpsed quickly to see if she may have moved or opened her eyes, but she did nothing. "You don't know how many times I tried to tell you… I was so scared of how I felt, but when I looked at you, I couldn't remember why I was so scared." I closed my eyes, trying to memorize the feeling of her hand in mine.

Love, love, love… what is love? It's just a word. Four letters: two vowels and two consonants that mean nothing. It was the feeling behind that simple word – the complex, frightening feeling – that I was going to miss. "I miss you so much sometimes I can barely stand it. I don't know what's going to happen but you need to remember, whatever happens, that you are _good_ and you have a soul. I know it; I've felt it. Sometimes, when you're not there, I swear I can feel you. Sometimes, when I go to sleep at night, I close my eyes and I think of you there beside me and I feel just a little bit less alone."

I picked up her hand, placing a kiss on the stretched pale skin of her knuckle. I cupped the top of her hand with my free hand. _If this is the last time I get to touch you, feel you, I'm going to remember it forever._ I touched her hand to my head, hoping to transfer some of my thoughts. _Goodbye_, my brain seemed to speak, but my heart refused to utter the words.

There was a light knock at the door and I gently placed Alice's hand back on the bed. Carlisle shot me an apologetic smile as I wiped my eyes, sniffing away the tears.

"Are you ready?" He asked, walking into the room as I nodded quickly.

I moved to the back of the room as Carlisle moved forward. "I think it's best if you're not here for this. Don't worry, I'll take good care of her."

My feet shuffled backwards slowly, finally carrying me from the room completely. I didn't look back as I made my way quickly to the exit. I felt like I was suffocating, drowning… I felt like I was the one dying.

Xxx

The rain had slowly started to fall and I threw another match onto the wet concrete. I was protected from the rain but the wind had picked up. I liked the feeling of the cold against my skin. It felt like the first real thing I had felt in three days. I wanted to change out of these funeral clothes but I couldn't find the will to get up. I lit another match, watching the flame dance.

The funeral had gone pretty well. I was surprised to see Esme and Carlisle but it was a nice surprise to have them there. I was afraid it was only going to be me and Charlie but there were a few from the town and the hospital, and Angela was there with her father, the Reverend. It felt odd to have a funeral knowing that Alice's body wasn't actually going to be there. They put an empty coffin into a flower-covered grave and some words were said. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking, _she's not there_. I felt sick. Not physically; but it was odd – I felt empty and heavy all at the same time. My heart felt heavy, like it was filled with water.

"Bella, come inside. It's getting cold," Charlie's voice sounded from the doorway, as I threw the burnt remnant onto the concrete, just like the rest.

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself and rocking back and forth. I felt something heavy hit my neck and I looked up at Charlie. He had put a warmer jacket around me. He took a seat beside me, looking out onto the road.

"She's not gone, you know." Charlie cast his eyes down, giving me a knowing kind of half smirk.

I shivered, pulling the heavy fabric around me. "I know." I bit the inside of my lip. I knew exactly that, but I couldn't tell Charlie and I didn't like it. It felt like lying.

Charlie smoothed down his coal black tie and I could tell it was making him uncomfortable. All day he had been moving it and trying to loosen it. I don't know why he just didn't take it off. He stuck his finger into the collar of his shirt, pulling it again.

"Come here," I huffed, leaning over and pulling the tie slack, as a look of surprise crossed Charlie's face. I pulled it over his head and stuffed it into the pocket of his jacket. "There, much better."

Charlie looked unimpressed, before he whispered a _thank you_ under his breath. "I don't know about you, but I'm kind of hungry. Do you want to go to the diner?"

I didn't feel much like cooking and I couldn't even tell if I was hungry or not, but I nodded my head without thinking.

The diner in Forks was a pretty popular place but that wasn't difficult, being it was one of only three places to eat out in Forks. It was a typical diner, set up for locals and passing truckers. There were single seats along the bar that were decorated with silver napkin holders and salt and pepper shakers. The brass bell above the door chimed loudly as we entered the crowded diner. Cathy waved at Charlie, motioning for him to take a seat anywhere. The smell of coffee and hot food filled the air, creating a comfy aroma.

My mind wandered to Alice. Would she be waking up soon? I couldn't comprehend what she might think in those first moments. Probably the same as me when Carlisle told me he was a vampire. I had my doubts about Rosalie but she seemed sincere when she said she would look after Alice. I wonder if she'll miss me? I guess I'll never know. Part of me wanted to think she would say, 'screw the vampire rules' and call me, or try to contact me in some way. The feeling of guilt washed over me – I knew their existence was dangerous, not only for me, but for them as well.

Charlie nudged me lightly and I almost tripped over my own feet. I picked my head up to look at what was so important.

"Your friend's flaggin' you." Charlie nodded his head and I followed to see Mike and Jessica sitting in a booth at the back of the diner. "If you want to sit with them it's fine with me."

"No," I replied quickly. "I'm not really feeling up to it." I took a seat in an empty booth, picking up the menu and using it to hide myself.

_Get it together_, I berated myself, taking a deep breath. I tried to at least act like a normal, everyday human. I rubbed my thumbs against the shiny plastic edges, reading over the menu. I could pretty much tell you everything they had on here from memory; it hadn't ever changed.

"Hey, darlings," Cathy said as she took out her order pad, flipping to a fresh sheet of paper and taking the world's smallest pencil from her apron. Her gaze faltered as she looked us over and I knew she was thinking about our funeral clothes. "What can I get you?" She smiled, brightly.

I put a small smile on my face and the world suddenly felt like a stage. Charlie ordered his usual cheeseburger, hold anything healthy, and I couldn't think about what I wanted. I didn't feel hungry; I didn't feel anything but empty. That was the scary thing.

"I'll have the pancakes with ice cream." I laid the menu down as she noted the orders.

Charlie raised an eyebrow but said nothing and we waited quietly for our food. I tapped my fingers against the edge of the table. I was glad to have Charlie as company and not have to try to make conversation.

"So…" Charlie stated, obviously not thinking the same as me. "Are you excited about Dartmouth yet?"

"I don't know, I've not really thought about it."

Charlie nodded and I hoped he would leave it.

"'Cause, you know, there's a lot to think about financially, moving your things, getting a place to stay..." Charlie sighed gruffly, leaning back into the leather cushions of the booth.

I bit the inside of my lip. I didn't want to think about leaving Forks just yet. "I'll start on everything soon; there's still plenty time." I hoped.

The food arrived, effectively making Charlie quiet. It's not that I wasn't thinking about everything he said myself, I just couldn't. It was all too much for my brain to process right now. I picked up a fork, poking my food, not really wanting to eat, but I did manage to shovel a few bites into my mouth. I swallowed it dry and I expected to feel something but there was nothing. I placed the fork back on the table, pushing the edge of the plate away. Charlie glanced at me and then the plate, as he held his burger in both hands. I looked away from him, leaning my elbow on the table and cradling my head in my hand as I watched people come and go.

We got home and it was still early, but all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I felt exhausted and I hadn't even done anything. Charlie opened the door, placing his keys on the side table. He walked into the kitchen and I heard the answering machine say that we had '_one new message' _in the crackly, automated voice. I kicked my shoes off as the sound of Carlisle's voice sounded through the small house.

"_Bella, this is Doctor Cullen, can you please give me a call when you receive this message." _Even on Charlie's ancient answering machine his voice still sounded perfect and comforting.

"What does Dr. Cullen want to talk to you about, Bells?"

"I have no idea." I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to look directly at him in fear he could tell I was lying.

I waited in the kitchen, pretending to be getting a drink while I waited for Charlie to leave. As soon as I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I grabbed the phone dialing the Cullen's number. It only rang twice before Esme picked up.

"Hello, Cullen residence."

"Esme, it's Bella. Carlisle called me, is everything okay?" I couldn't hide the fear in my voice.

The line crackled as Esme replied. "Oh, honey."

"What is it? What happened? Is she okay?" I held the phone with both hands and they started to tremble.

"Um, maybe it's better if I let you speak to Carlisle." I was scared. It was the first time I heard a vampire falter.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice asked, in slight surprise.

"Yes. Now, please, someone tell me what's going on."

"Well, you see, some of us were out hunting and Alice apparently woke up early. Rosalie and Emmett were both there but it seems she… disappeared." He paused, taking an unnecessary breath.

"Disappeared?" I mimicked, my voice raising two octaves.

"Don't worry, I have everyone out looking for her and I called some of my friends; we should find her soon."

"How could she disappear? What if she goes into town?" I feared. What if someone got hurt?

"I don't know. We were taking turns, watching her closely. She was only left alone for a second, but newborns are very instinctual. It could be that she feared our presence. Don't worry, Bella, we are watching the town carefully."

Waking up after days of pain in a strangers house; being able to see, hear and smell everything… of course she was scared. They left her alone; even for a second. Rosalie was supposed to be watching after her. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep calm. "Will you call me if anything happens? Anything at all?"

"Of course."

I sighed in relief. "Thank you, Carlisle. Oh, and one more thing. Tell Rosalie our deal is off." If she couldn't keep her safe now, what use was she? I hung up the phone, keeping one hand on the receiver as I propped myself up against the wall. "Alice, where the hell are you?" I whispered, under my breath.

Xxx

I watched the dust particles; the morning light illuminated them and they looked like little flecks of gold, all dancing together – moving, swaying and creating spirals. I moved my hand from under the cover, reaching out and trying to touch them, but they were too far away.

A loud knock sounded and I knew someone was at the front door. I ignored it, staring at the dust, but the knocking seemed to continue, disturbing the dust from its natural momentum. I threw off the covers. This person obviously knew I was home; maybe it was Rosalie. I quickened my step, not caring how I looked with untamed hair and scruffy old flannel pajamas. I opened the door, making sure to hide as much of my body behind the frame as I could.

The cold air hit my bare feet first and I shrunk back into the house, keeping one hand on the door frame, using the other to comb down my hair. It wasn't Rosalie and I don't know if I was happy about that or not. Instead, Sam stood in a heavy, dark green jacket, hugging a cardboard box close to her chest.

"Hi," she spoke awkwardly, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

"Hey, Sam. What are you doing here?" I asked. I really had no idea.

"Alice's stuff." Her eye's shifted from the box back to me. "I was clearing out her room and, because there's no next of kin, I thought… you might want it… it seemed to…"

I nodded in understanding. I didn't want her things to be destroyed either, but I thought I was too late.

"Do you want to come in?" I motioned inside.

"Uh… I think I've got a few minutes. I have to get back to the hospital, though."

I looked down to see she was wearing scrub pants and those ugly white sneakers again.

Sam stepped inside and I took the box from her hands, placing it on the floor next to the door.

"I'm sorry I didn't bring it sooner but, you know, with everything happening, there just didn't seem to be a right time."

"I understand; don't worry about it."

Sam fidgeted again, picking at the fingers of her gloves. "I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was for everything that happened."

I didn't understand. "Why are you sorry? You were great to us."

"I just feel like someone should be. Alice told me what happened between you two after you left that night."

"You spoke to her?" My voice was hesitant, but held excitement.

"Yeah, only for a second. She was over the moon." Sam smirked. "She couldn't stop bouncing; it was driving the monitors crazy."

I laughed at the mental image. "Did she say anything?"

"Not really, she was just so happy. She just rambled about how amazing you are."

I felt a blush heat up my cheeks and I looked to the floor, hiding it from her. I rubbed my neck trying to expel the heat.

"So," Sam spoke, brushing past my embarrassment. "How have you been holding up?"

I sighed, taking a step back and wrapping my arms around myself. "Just taking each day." Wow, I sound like I sound be in A.A. Yeah, Alice Addiction Anonymous. Wait, that's three A's…

"That's good," Sam nodded in acceptance. "It's very adult of you."

Adult; is that what I was now? After dealing with death? I would give it up any day for someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay; even if it wasn't.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, glancing at the kitchen.

"No. No, thank you, I really have to go." Sam edged her way back to the door. Reaching behind her, she pulled open the door letting the cool air flood in. "Oh, before I go, I left another box out on the porch."

I followed Sam outside, hugging my arms around my waist, giving her a small wave goodbye. As soon as she was gone I cast my eyes down to the brown cardboard box. I don't know why I seemed to stare at it, but I didn't want to deal with it. With a huff, I picked up the box, carrying it into the living room and placing it onto the floor, flopping onto the couch. I scraped the box along the floor until it was settled between my feet and opened the flaps.

The objects were grouped neatly and I took out a few familiar things: her jewelry, a scarf, an old copy of _Pride and Prejudice_. I brought the scarf up to my nose, closing my eyes and inhaling the sweet scent. I wrapped it around my neck and continued to look through the boxes but as I searched, it was all things I had seen before. I picked up the box taking it up into my room. I opened the closet door and put it in the very back corner, pushing it flush against the wall. I don't know if I was hoping it would be safe or if it would just disappear.

Xxx

It had been weeks, but it felt like hours. Charlie was there for me, and Jake too; he came over and we sat and watched TV, but I can hardly remember anything that we spoke of.

"It's going to be good, yeah? Good." Charlie repeated to himself, taking his eyes off the road for a split second to look at me for a response.

I twitched in my seat, moving to sit upright, coming out of my daze. I smiled "Yeah," I replied, not really sure what he was talking about.

"I know you're nervous but don't be, because everybody is in the same place as you. They won't know a lot of people either. And your room looked nice."

Oh. A light switch seemed to flick internally. He was talking about Dartmouth. I should have known; it's all we ever seem to talk about now. It was a long drive back from New Hampshire and I could only pretend to sleep for so long, so I should have seen this coming.

"Are you excited?" Charlie questioned, tentatively.

I thought over everything and I _was_ excited, but everything seemed dulled when I thought about Alice; where she was, if she was ok. When I thought of anything else it was like I couldn't feel it. "Yeah, it's exciting. I just get nervous when I think about it too much. Can we talk about something else?"

"Um…." Charlie ruffled his moustache as he thought.

_Quiet disposition_, I thought, and again it reminded me of Alice comparing me to Charlie. Were we really that alike?

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked.

I think I'm far from okay but as much as I hate it, the days seem to be moving on and all I can do is move with them. "I'm getting there," I spoke honesty, turning back to stare out of the rain covered window. _We must almost be home_, I thought to myself.

Xxx

My new cell phone sat on the table, shiny and square. Charlie bought it for me as an early birthday present so I would have it when I got to Dartmouth next month. There were only five numbers in it and most of them I knew by heart anyway. The first was Angela, then Charlie's home and work numbers, then mom, then Cullen.

I waited on the couch for my weekly update from Carlisle. Sometimes Esme or Emmett called if there wasn't much news and we would chat for a bit. I found it comforting to talk with someone else that knew.

The phone buzzed and my hands shot out like a viper, as I held the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hello, Bella, how are you?" Esme's sweet voice rang down the phone

"Good. Have you found her yet?"

There was silence on the line for a moment.

"I'm sorry, honey, we haven't, but we are still looking. She seems very smart for a newborn. We got a report from some friends that they had seen her while hunting in the woods and when they tried to track her down, it was like she disappeared."

"That's unusual?" I questioned.

"Yes, very. But if she's smart then I'm sure she'll find her way back. She just needs some time to accept the change."

It was funny how Esme could always make me feel better with such simple words. We talked for a little while about cooking and school, and Esme told me some places to check out in New Hampshire. I wondered if there was anywhere they hadn't been.

"I guess you have stuff to do; I better let you get back to work."

"I know it's hard right now but it will get better, I promise."

Even though I knew there was no way she could know such a thing and it felt like I would feel like this forever, her promise was oddly reassuring and I believed her.

Xxx

I closed the door gently, not wanting to wake up my roommate. The familiar smell of ripe food seemed to linger and I noticed she had not taken out the garbage and her dirty plates were stacked haphazardly by the sink. We had only been living together three months and already I couldn't wait to have my own place. As roommates go, it could have been worse. At least she is quiet and polite and we can talk when we have to.

Quickly, after entering to my room, I dropped the newly acquired stack of books on my desk and collapsed back on the bed. I checked my phone and set the alarm. I noticed Charlie had texted me, a skill he was yet to fully understand. It was a simple text, just telling me to text him so he would know I got home safe. It wasn't something I was used to doing and it felt odd, but I was glad Charlie cared enough to worry.

My pillow began to buzz and I shot up, afraid that I had slept through my alarm. Fear shot through me because I hated showing up late to class. It meant everyone stared at you when you walked in. I flicked the light on too quickly, causing a sharp pain to resonate in the back of my eyes. My left hand searched the sheets, smoothing over them until I make contact with the cold metal. Squinting at the screen I realized it wasn't my alarm, but a call. My heart stopped as I read over the name. Swallowing hard, I tensed my jaw. A mix of excitement and dread cemented my teeth together and I pushed the answer button.

"Hello," I whispered into the void.

"Bella, it's Carlisle," his voice spoke softly, but steadily.

"What's going on? Has something happened? Did you find Alice?" I tripped over my own words in a rush to get them all out.

"Well, that's the thing. She seems to have found us."

I scrunched my eyes, making sure I had heard him correctly. But even then it didn't make sense. "What do you mean?"

"She just showed up a few hours ago. She knew us all by name, then she moved into Edward's room."

I muffled a laugh. That did sound like her. "So, what happened to her? Has she said anything?" Thoughts began to rush through my brain. I wanted to see her more than anything. I just wanted to look at her.

"She doesn't remember what happened to her. She doesn't remember anything about her human life. It's quite interesting, actually. I think it has something to do with her being on life support before she was changed; being clinically brain dead, it was almost like a rebirth. She has no knowledge of being human. Everything is new to her: tastes, smells… it's remarkable. Jasper taught her how to hunt animals so she hasn't harmed anyone. She doesn't even seem overly tempted by human blood."

"Who is Jasper?" I questioned.

"He just showed up with her. He is a much older vampire than she is but they seem to have some sort of connection, since she sought him out first."

Carlisle continued to talk but it was like static. I could feel my heart sink from my chest and fall into my stomach. She didn't remember me, our time together… nothing. She wakes up and she goes to find him? Why not me?

Carlisle was still talking as my voice had drawn to a whisper. "Have you told her anything yet?"

"No, that's why I was calling you. To see if you wanted to tell her yourself."

I thought about it, but how could I explain what had happened? What she had meant to me? Why I did what I did? What if she wanted to know about her human life? Her non-existent family? Her life wasn't exactly a fairytale.

"Does she seem happy?" Of all the questions I could have asked, this was the only one I cared about.

"Honestly, of all the vampires I know, she seems to have a sort of natural glee because she doesn't know any other life. She doesn't pine for it. She enjoys what she has."

_Yeah, that's Alice_, I thought, with a smile.

"Carlisle… maybe it's better if she doesn't know." The ironic yet fitting words rang in my ear. "I know it's dangerous for you and your family to have a human know, and she has you and this Jasper guy." I let silence fill the line for a moment. "She's happy."

"Are you sure?" Carlisle's voice carefully prodded.

I wanted to say that I wasn't sure, but it just seemed like the best option for her. She would live and make new memories and I would get to have the old ones.

"I'm sure. Just look after her Carlisle. And thank you; for everything." The finality of my words seemed to hit him and I knew that she would be ok.

"Okay, Bella, I guess this is Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I let the phone drop into my lap as I sat cross-legged on the bed. After staring at the wall for what felt like hours, I looked at the screen again, going to the last call. I picked up the phone, holding it in front of me as I moved my finger over the button, hesitating a moment before I clicked it. The name disappeared – deleted from my life in one press of a button. I knew it meant nothing, really, and that they could call or find me at any moment. But the action felt final. They had no ties to me now and they had given me more help than I could ever repay. Sun beams flared through the window, slowly illuminating the small room. This could be how I repay them, I thought. I can pretend they never existed.

**A/N Thanks for reading:] please leave your thoughts and feelings in a review. They do really inspire me to continue writing the load of half finished stories I have lying on my computer. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Thank you for all the reviews and Alerts and thanks again to beetlebum101:}**

I stood outside the doors, paper in hand. You would think after being here three years it would be pretty hard to get lost, but no one factors in my bad luck. _They had to have it in a building I've never been to_, my thoughts grumbled, as I pushed through the doors, hoping it was the right building.

"Excuse Me," I asked a boy with dark messy hair, as he stopped quickly, looking me up and down. "Do you know where room 516 is? I'm supposed to have a lecture there in five minutes." My anxiety got the better of me as I rambled, but he seemed to smile, not bothered that I was taking up his time.

"Yeah, it's up those stairs, third door on the right." He pointed to the steps he had just come down and I rushed a _thank you_ as I headed in that direction.

I was relieved when I saw that people were still standing outside and I took a much-needed breath.

It was the first lecture of the year and you could see everyone buzzed with excitement as we took seats and got out books and tablets to write down important information for later.

It only lasted forty minutes and then we were allowed to leave. It was an easy first day and I decided I should take advantage of the time because I knew I wouldn't have much of it soon enough.

As I walked away from the red-bricked building, I knew I had made the right decision in choosing English literature as a major. I searched my pockets, wrapping my fingers around the wires to my headphones and placed them in my ears. It was a cloudy day but it was still warm. Groups of people were dotted around on the patches of grass that adorned the campus; some eating lunch, some just chatting and others reading. It was an odd feeling I always got when I walked through campus, like you could feel people enjoying themselves and learning at the same time – so different from high school. It had felt more like a prison building with the inmates just shaking at the bars, desperate to be free. It was hard to think about high school, but some days are easier than others.

I stopped and sat on a bench beside a flowerbed. I felt like texting my old classmates, Felix and Emily, to see if they wanted to do something, like see a movie or get a drink. Just as I was about the type the first words, my eyes caught a flash of black and I looked up, just for a moment. I don't know why I didn't ignore it but it seemed to happen in an instant. A girl was standing maybe ten feet away, talking to two other girls. Her jet-black hair reminded me of Alice. This had happened to me a few times after I had said goodbye, but not recently. Not in the past year.

"Alice," I mumbled under my breath. I hadn't spoken her name for years and it felt good to say.

The girl turned to look at me sharply, like a dog that just picked up a scent. A sharp twinge rocked my heart; the usually steady beat now fluttered like a hummingbird's wings.

I couldn't take my eyes off her as she looked back to her friends. They then left, leaving her standing there staring back at me. Her piercing gold eyes were unfamiliar but still held the warmth I remembered in my dreams. I didn't know what to do. My body seemed frozen… until she took a step towards me and I did the only thing that came into my head:

_Run_.

I took off in the direction of my apartment; not running, but walking so fast I noticed people started to clear a path. I took no notice of where I placed my steps, just as long as they were in this direction. I looked over my shoulder and she seemed to be following me with ease as I panted, gulping down the air that did nothing for my exhausted lungs. I hailed a cab as soon as I hit the street and relaxed in the backseat, hoping this would be the end of it. I would call Carlisle tonight and find out how the hell she ended up here.

As I entered my sparse, one-bedroom apartment, I tossed the keys on the table. I looked at my phone and suddenly remembered I had deleted the Cullen's number years ago. I sat on the couch letting my head fall back.

"Why?" I spoke out loud to no one. As if it wasn't hard enough already. I shook my head, repeating over and over that this was not happening. I refused to believe it.

A knock rattled the chain at the door. I sat silently, hoping the person would leave but they just knocked again.

"I just want to talk," Alice's voice rang though the door, light but softer than it used to be. "I know that you are there and I'm not leaving."

There was a silence before I slowly approached the door, sliding my feet to make as little noise as possible. Through the peephole I could see her standing in front of the door, arms crossed defensively over her chest. She seemed slightly annoyed and confused and it was hard to look at her. She just looked so beautiful. She was beautiful before but there was always a mask of fear that seemed ever present and now that that was gone, she was stunning.

"Just go home," I yelled through the door, turning and leaning my back against the hard wood.

"You know me."

I didn't know if it was a question or a statement.

"Please, I'm just looking for answers. I need answers about my past. I feel like there is something important I forgot, and I forgot everything."

Even after all this time I could feel myself giving in. How could I not? As much as I wanted to fight it, I also wanted to talk to her. That was a selfish want that I had thought about every day; every day for three years.

I turned, resting my hand on the chain and taking a deep breath. I opened the door and she didn't even have to say anything. I knew that my eyes, my ears and my brain were all mine, but my heart… my heart belonged to her and betrayed me all too easily.

"You better come in." I stood aside as she entered. My head hung down in silent defeat.

"Are you ok?" She asked quietly. "You look scared."

We stood so close, barely a step between us and I could feel her stare on me. I brought my eyes to her. Her gaze was intense, like she was trying to look into my soul but then she stopped, the bare glimpse of a frown passing over her features.

"You don't remember me at all, do you?" I asked dejectedly, hoping for some recollection in her eyes.

"Should I?" She asked.

Ignoring her question I pressed on. "What happened to you? And why did Carlisle let you come?"

"Wait." Her hand shot out and she took a step back. "How do you know Carlisle?"

I paused. _Yeah, Bella, that's a good question_. There didn't seem any point in lying now. "See, well…" my hand reached up, scratching the back of my neck. "I'm sort of the reason that you are now a vampire."

"What?" Alice gasped, perplexed by the situation she had now found herself in.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, hoping she would understand.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Bella Swan. Do you really not remember anything?"

Alice took a seat on the couch and she suddenly seemed exhausted, which was odd, seeing as it is a physical impossibility. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a yellowing piece of paper and laid it flat on the coffee table. I shuffled in closer, taking the seat to her right and looking down at the familiar list. It was the bucket list I had written just before she disappeared.

"This is the only thing I have from my human life and I didn't even write it." She stared at the piece of paper for what I'm sure was the thousandth time.

"That's because I did."

Her Eyes flicked to me. "_You_ wrote this?" She pointed to the sheet again and I nodded a _yes_. "Why?"

"Because you wanted me too." The truth seemed overly simple and more confusing than it should have been.

Alice seemed to take a moment, her eyes scanning back and forth like she was doing a complex equation in her mind.

"You've known about me all this time? Why didn't you come to find me? Do you have any idea how confused I've been?" Her tone was laced with anger.

She was angry at me? I should be angry at her! She has no idea how hard it's been, knowing every day and being able to do nothing. My legs shot out, pushing me up. I circled the back of the couch, pushing my palms into the soft fabric, grabbing lumps to help quench the anger. I stared the old black sofa. Each dent was a memory from nights when I couldn't sleep because of nightmares, so I would stay up all night and watch TV.

My jaw locked as I spoke through my teeth. "I think about you every day." My shoulders slumped and my body relaxed, as I reminded myself that the person I loved was sitting right in front of me, finally. I had thought about this so many times, but it never went like this.

"Then why didn't you come find me? Why didn't you explain to me what happened?" She said it like it was so easy.

"Explain what, Alice? That you had no family? That you were always sick? That I prayed and begged for you not to die and when you did..." My eyes filled with tears and I tried desperately to blink them back but it was no use. I looked at her flawless face as she stared back at me. Her eyes were wide and her jaw was clenched as she sat silently, not moving, not even breathing.

"I didn't have any family?" Alice asked, quietly.

"I was your family." I pointed to my chest, over and over. "And I did what I thought was best."

"You made a deal for my life?" Alice asked and it seemed so… evil.

At the time it didn't seem like that. It seemed like a deal for my life, but could I tell her that? "I was desperate. I… couldn't live in a world without you in it."

"So, you got Carlisle to change me," Alice filled in the pieces.

I nodded, standing straight and moving back ever so slightly. As she was thinking, I tried to wipe my face with my hands but I knew I must look a wreck. The room fell silent, neither of us moving. The only sound was my uneven breathing.

"Alice, please, you have to understand."

"I'm trying to understand." She really was. She sat patiently and absorbed all the information. Her head tilted as she moved to speak again. "I still don't understand why, when I came back, you didn't you want to see me?" She seemed almost hurt as she spoke.

"I did, more than anything, but when I found out you didn't remember anything and Carlisle said you made a connection with Jasper, I just thought it would be better for you. A new start. I knew there were risks and I thought you wouldn't be able to be around humans for at least a few more years. I didn't know what to do, okay? I didn't know how to face you again."

"Why did you save me at all?"

"Did I do the right thing?" I cut in, feeling I deserved a question answered.

"I don't know; I don't know anything other than this."

I sighed, running my hands through my hair and closing my eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry if that wasn't the answer you were looking for."

She must have read the look on my face. It wasn't exactly the _yes_ I was hoping for but it was okay. "Do you enjoy being what you are?"

Alice's mouth pulled up into a slightly cocky smile. "Well, it does have its advantages."

I looked at the list and noticed the ticks. "Yeah, it seems like you got a lot done."

"It's easy when you don't have to sleep."

"I bet."

"You didn't answer my question. Why didn't you just let me die? Why did you care so much? No offense, but from what I've seen of humans, it's out of the ordinary."

The irony of a vampire talking about _out of the ordinary_ almost made me laugh. Could I tell her that I loved her? That I _love_ her? I don't even know if she's the same person she was before. "Do we have to talk about this now?" I asked in a whisper. "Isn't there anything else you want to know?"

"What was I like?" Alice eyes cast down, almost in embarrassment. "As a human."

I let myself drift back to my favorite memories and I could feel the side of my lips pull up into a half smile. I looked down at the table, clasping my hands together as I spoke. "You were amazing and kind; you got me into more trouble than I ever would have found on my own. You liked cupcakes, but hated muffins. Your favorite color was blue. You had this weird thing where you always liked the TV volume to be on an even number and you liked to whistle to the birds." The room was silent as I finished. Beads of water dropped onto my hands and I realized I had started crying. I ran my palm over my eyes and I looked at Alice. She seemed frozen. If I wasn't looking directly at her I would have sworn she wasn't even there.

"Thank you," Alice whispered. "For telling me that."

"It's okay; I should have told you a long time ago." I smiled showing her that I was okay.

The silence dwelled and I broke it with a cough. "So, how are the Cullen's and Jasper?"

"They are good. Esme and Carlisle are away on another honeymoon. Jasper and Edward have been away getting some private time."

"Private time?" I questioned.

"Yeah," she smirked. "It's not easy dating in a house full of vampires, especially Emmett."

Edward and Jasper were dating. I closed my mouth, in fear it would drop open in surprise.

"Can I ask a question?" I rubbed my hands, suddenly nervous. I ran the idea over in my head, unsure of whether I should ask. Did I really want to know the answer?

"Yes."

"Why him? Why did you find him and why did you bring him to the Cullen's?"

"That's three questions."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. But I don't really know. When I woke up I was scared and everything was overwhelming. I ran for so long, then I started getting these visions."

"Visions?"

"Yes, like movies in my mind. I figured out what was happening and I saw him at a diner. There was this clock on the wall, the ones with the day attached to them, and I could just see it in my mind over and over. I went there and we talked. I told him about what happened and he said it was a power. I freaked out even more at that than when he told me I was a vampire."

"So, you can see the future?"

"Kind of. But only vampires and a few humans I know. It only seems to be myself or people I'm close to. I haven't really learned how to control it. They just take me over."

"That must be tough."

"It's not that bad. I have a question. What color were my eyes?"

"They were blue."

"Like the sea?"

"No. More like the sky on a clear day."

"I don't get to see many clear days," She chuckled. "What else?" She probed, sitting forward slightly.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember every detail I had gone over a thousand times before. "You loved the smell of old books; you said the cracks in the spine could tell stories." I smiled remembering her smile. Opening my eyes I met the same face, but I could tell from the twitching of her brow that the memory only meant something to me. "Do you feel anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Me, telling you this, do you remember anything? A feeling, an image, a smell? Anything?" I asked, with a draining sigh.

"I," she paused. "I want to, I really do." She stood up pacing around a little too quickly. "I can't. It's like it doesn't exist. I just have this blackness; this empty, horrible feeling."

I didn't know what to do. I did this to her. These feelings were my fault. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not helping."

"It's not you. I've been looking for answers and now that I know, I don't know what to do anymore."

"Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked, quietly.

We walked for a while in silence. The sun was slowly starting to set and I wrapped my arms around myself, looking to Alice who seemed unmoved. It was weird how confidently she moved. Where was my Alice?

"You've changed." My breath fogged the air, cutting the silence between us. I missed her a lot, but in this moment what I missed most was the comfort she used to bring me.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It means you're still alive. Do you think you will go back to Washington?"

She looked to me as we walked in step. "I don't know. I might."

We reached an old wooden bridge and I moved to the edge to take a break. My legs shook as I supported my elbows on the railing. Looking over the edge, I watched the river peacefully trickle down as the trees became bathed in an orange glow; it almost looked like they were on fire.

"Are you okay?" Alice placed her hand on the top of my back, gently.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about this bridge. I cross it all the time but I've never really stopped to look at it."

"Bella."

I got startled, the sound of my own name bringing me out of my daze.

She continued with my attention. "I think I should go, I–"

"I wasn't what you were looking for, was I?" I could feel it.

"I don't know," she spoke, mournfully.

"It's okay, I got to keep my promise." I smiled for a second

"What was that?" She asked, quizzically.

"I told you I wouldn't let you fade away." And she wouldn't

For the first time, Alice actually looked like her old self. For a second, her eyes gleamed and I could swear she was in there.

"Well, thank you for keeping your promise." Alice reached into her jean pocket, pulling out the yellow square of paper. "Here, I think you should have this."

I froze. She wanted to give me the one remnant she had of her human life. My hand slowly reached out and as it did, I couldn't help but think that taking this meant never seeing her again.

"Are you sure?" I hesitated, my thumb caressing the smooth paper.

"Yes. I don't need it anymore. I know now you _are_ what I was looking for. I had to meet you to understand why I was here." Alice pushed the paper into my palm.

She left me standing as she turned to walk away. Before I could stop myself, I stepped forward, awkwardly grabbing her shoulder. It felt like this was my last chance. "Wait."

Alice turned to look at me, her eyes pulling tight together in confusion.

"I know this is weird but… can I have a hug?"

She paused. "Sure."

As soon as the word left her mouth I moved into her, hugging tightly. Her body was harder than I remembered but still fit into mine.

"Thank you," I whispered into her hair.

Alice probably thought I was thanking her for the hug, but it was more than that. I was speaking to _my_ Alice. I knew she was in there and I was just so glad she held on.

I slowly released my grip and Alice took a few steps back, the wood creaking under her gentle footfalls.

"Goodbye, Bella," she spoke, turning on her heel, continuing on her path. I didn't say goodbye; I had said that to her too many times.

I stood for a while on the edge of the bridge, looking over the railing. Just under the water you could make out the faint, jagged supports of the old bridge, right next to this one. I wondered if the old bridge had collapsed before they built this one, or did they just build this one because they knew that original was old and frail and it would fall anyway. I turned the old yellow square in my fingers, pondering over it.

Then the oddest thing of all happened. I felt relieved; like a weight I had been holding onto had been lifted. I didn't have this secret anymore. I opened the paper roughly, tearing it in half, then again and again until it was barely anything. I opened my palms, letting the remnants fall into the water and I watched as they floated away until they were so far it was just a blur.

"Bella?"

I turned to the sound of my name. Leah was standing watching me and I had no idea how long she had been there. "I thought that was you. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." And I actually was.

"You look like you just saw a ghost."

I laughed. "Something like that."

The End

**A/N Sorry if that wasn't the ending you were looking for but it really felt like the only way. **

**I hope you enjoyed reading the story and if you are looking for a happier ending to now cheer you up check out my other stories. **


	5. Epilogue

**A/N This is totally unexpected I never set out to write an epilogue for this story I was actually against it but then this idea just hit me and I had to write it. So I hope you enjoy it and big thanks to beetlebum101 for always putting up with me and my random ideas :] **

**P.s if anyone cares it was actually inspired by a song called 'Go first' by Rose Cousins. **

Epilogue

I stared at the ceiling tiles. Everything was white and clean and square – the room, the windows and the damn ceiling tiles. I didn't have it in me to care that the last thing I would see in this world would be these damn ceiling tiles.

I moved my head slowly, looking to Alistair. He was snoring loudly, his head tilted back and his mouth slightly open. I couldn't believe how old he looked. It felt like only yesterday I held him in my arms in this same hospital. I smiled and he seemed to stir awake.

His brown eyes widened, looking at me. "Hey, mom, you're awake."

"Of course; no one could sleep through your snoring. Still don't know how Julia does it," I laughed, thinking of his wife.

"Sorry." He blushed slightly and it was good to see the family trait passed on.

"You should go home," I told him, in my best complaining voice. "Your kids need you more than me."

"Mom, I want to be here for you when… you know…" He led off, bowing his head.

"When I die," I finished for him. "I've said my goodbyes." I stopped for breath, my lungs feeling heavy. I grabbed the oxygen mask and he shot up, coming to the side of the bed.

He put a soothing hand on my back, rubbing a circle as I tried to regain my breath.

"You okay? Should I get a nurse?" His eyes filled with worry.

I pulled the mask down, pressing it into my chin. "I'm fine; and you should go home. I promise I won't die on you tonight."

He seemed to be taking it in and I knew it wouldn't take much convincing now.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes," I told him, waving towards the door.

"Okay, but just for a shower and some clothes and a nap," he said, shrugging on his long black coat.

"Bring me back some ice cream," I added.

"Mom, you know the doctor said you can't have sugar," he chastised, like I was one of his children.

"A little sugar isn't going to kill me," I joked but he didn't laugh. "It's gonna be the old age and the bad heart." I tried to smile.

"I wish they would let me take you home." He frowned deeply, causing his forehead to wrinkle.

"Hospitals aren't so bad. I've had some good memories in hospitals." I paused, smiling as he just looked at me with confusion while fixing the collar of his coat.

He moved closer, leaning in and giving me a kiss on the forehead. He then stood back and took another quick look around the room. He always did that. He lingered, afraid I was going to pass at any moment and I hated seeing him like this.

"Love you, mom," he spoke slowly, backing out of the room.

"Love you more."

After he left, I turned my head to stare out of the window. I felt glad I got a view of the forest. It reminded me of Forks so much – all the green and the endlessness of it all. I felt a tightening in my chest but I didn't press the call button. It passed after a few minutes and I relaxed back into the pillow, just staring at the ceiling again. The monotonous drown of the television seemed almost hypnotic and I felt my eyes get heavy.

I cracked my eyes open, peering out the window. The sky was black; twilight had come and gone. I looked to the chair and it was empty. I felt a chill creep up my spine and I realized someone had opened the window, letting in a steady draft of cold air and I could feel it seep into my old bones.

My vision adjusted to the darkness and I jumped a little, sending a buzz to my frail heartstrings that hadn't been plucked in years. I saw a figure standing in the corner of the room, shrouded in darkness. The figure stepped into the path of moonlight that spilled across the floor from the window.

"Alice," I breathed.

She stayed quiet and just stared.

My breathing became heavy and it was a noticeable spike. I couldn't believe it; I had to ask myself, _am I dead?_ Was she really here, or had I just gone crazy? I never thought I would see her again. Tears crept into my eyes as she took another step, then another, until she was at my side.

Her mouth was downturned, marring her beautiful features. I slowly raised my arm, brushing my hot palm against her wintry cheek. My wrinkled skin looked so out of place against her perfection. She still looked the same; like the day I left her. Her eyes, like melted pools of gold, pierced into mine and I couldn't help but wonder why she was here.

I kept my palm on her cheek as she moved her hand, lightly pressing my hand deeper into her cheek and she pressed her lips against the bottom of my palm. She closed her eyes, and then I understood.

"It's time, isn't it?" I sighed.

I felt her jaw clench under my touch as she nodded. I brushed my thumb under her eye, wiping an imaginary tear. I took a few shaky breathes, wondering when it was going to happen.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"Always," she said and I felt like I didn't fully understand.

I made a small space in the bed and she climbed in. It immediately took me back to when we were eighteen – or at least, when I was still eighteen. She sat on top of the white hospital quilt looking quite out of place. It almost made me want to laugh. I was suddenly overcome with questions.

"Why here? Why now?" Seemed to be the only words I could articulate.

"I've been watching you your whole life," Alice whispered. "Even when I tried not to, I couldn't block you out. You are a part of me. You had an amazing life, you should be proud." Alice smiled, only slightly, before her lips returned to a hard pressed line.

"I _am_ proud," I smiled. "Seems like we've had a relationship of bad timing." I chuckled slightly, my breath leaving me as I moved onto my side, trying to find oxygen. I grabbed the mask, breathing it in greedily, trying to hang on.

Alice moved to her side too, rubbing my forearm lightly as she looked into my eyes. "I know; I'm sorry."

"Maybe I just needed to be the one to go first."

"Maybe." She finally smiled a real grin that reached her eyes, radiating warmth and comfort. I was glad I could die happy, knowing I had seen her smile one last time.

I felt a pain in my chest and a tingle in my arm and I knew it would be soon.

"You know, I heard someone say that everybody dies twice: once when they stop breathing, and again a little bit later when someone says their name for the last time." I felt the pain creep up and I closed my eyes. I felt like I really was dying from a broken heart. I grabbed at my chest, trying in vain not to wince and scream. Alice moved forward, hugging me in her strong arms and I couldn't open my eyes. It was too much; the pain was too much.

"Then I won't stop saying your name… I promise," Alice whispered, placing a soft kiss on my head.

"Alice… I… I…" I tried to breathe but I couldn't. There was no more room to breathe. I wanted to tell her that I loved her; that I should have said it more. I should have found her when she needed me. That I was young and foolish and stupid.

"I know… I know," she repeated, rocking me slightly as the pain took over.

It invaded every sense until it was all I could feel and all I could think and all I could remember. It became every memory I had ever had.

Then it went black and quiet and there was no more pain… only love.

**A/N Thanks for reading. Maybe not something you expected but hope you enjoyed. If you would like to know my feelings on the whole story then read this extended note. **

**Hi, ok so I had this idea a few weeks back about the whole pancakes for dinner story when we were talking about vampires and how vampires were sort of a metaphor for death and living forever at the same time (I'm probably gonna use the word metaphor wrong but just go with me and I hope it makes sense) so thinking about the story there are to ways you can think about it. You can take it for face value which is the way I wrote it or you can take it how I like to think of the story now that Alice actually died in chapter one and the whole vampire thing is just a metaphor for death and living forever so all the stuff with the vampires is just the stages of grief in Bella's head. Depression, anger, bargaining, denial and then finally years later in chapter four it just hits her one day that's she's moved on and finally accepted that it's the memories and the love that are the truly immortal things. A lot of people were angry or sad that Alice didn't remember but if you think of it this way she wasn't actually there. Bella was trying to deal with letting go and she needed a way to realize that her memories were the immortal part of Alice that she held.**

**So in this epilogue death is brought up again and with the idea of death is vampires and so you can believe that Alice just came back to say good bye or you can believe she died in chapter one and this is her coming to sort of help comfort Bella mentally crossover to the other side where they can finally be together. **

**So believe what you want that's the great thing about fanfic. I just wanted to share this idea. **


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